Trust- It's a Choice

“Trust me with your heart.”

Those words whispered to my heart continue to haunt me, and with each passing day I reach a deeper and more complete understanding of what God meant.

You see after my divorce, I felt as if life was spiraling out of control. God’s promise vanished from my grip in a moment. My sons spent a large part of that first  summer away from me. I was scared and lonely. My heart was being ripped to shreds. I just did not understand what God was doing.

But, then, like now, God continues to tell me that life is out of my control—but it certainly isn’t out of His control. He continues to remind me that His ways are higher than my ways, His thoughts are higher than my thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9). He continues to remind me that when I can’t see His hand, I can still trust His heart. He keeps reminding me to focus my eyes on Him, to be still and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10).

Despite the fear, pain, and loneliness, that I felt ,  I was reminded that God always has a purpose in the pain. No trial is wasted, and if we cooperate with God, trials always produce fruit. I have been begging God to show me the purpose of all of the assorted pains that I have gone through, to open my eyes to what He wants in His time. And, I am beginning to get a sense of anticipation for what He is doing.

I am beginning to see that all of my  momentary trials—as difficult and painful as they may be right —are actually a set up. God is setting the stage to step in and show Himself mighty in my life. He is preparing the way to do things that only He can do, things that will point others directly back to Him. He is working in my heart to develop not only faith—but also a trust in Him even when life simply doesn’t make sense.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight (Proverbs 3:5-6).

God has spent the past thirteen years  building my faith. The journey has been unbelievable! In the last two years especially, I have been stretched beyond what I ever imagined possible. He has brought me to a place where I truly believe He is able to do above and beyond all I could ever ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20-21). He has taught me to hear His voice and believe what He has to say. I am at a place where I hear the whispers of God, I recognize His voice immediately, and I then walk in obedience. And, I have an anticipation of seeing God show up.

But now, God is moving from teaching me faith to teaching me trust.

I had never considered the difference between faith and trust, but I am beginning to understand. Faith is a strong belief in someone or something without logical proof. But, trust is a firm reliance on the character or integrity of another. I’ve developed a faith in God—a belief that He is able. Now, He is trying to teach me to totally and completely rely on Him.

In recent weeks, my world was rocked when a promise I’ve been clinging to for two years seemed to vanish, walked away, became completely impossible—humanly impossible. I believed God was able when it looked as if it could be a reality, when I thought I could make it happen on my own. But now, I can’t do anything to make this promise become a reality. I must fully and completely rely on God to do the work. 

I’m beginning to realize that I’ve been leaning on my own understanding. To fully trust God with all my heart, I have to be willing to lean into Him when life no longer makes sense. I have to be willing to trust Him when life is spiraling out of control, when everything of value has been stripped away. I have to learn to trust that God is still able when I am not. I have to trust that every single pain and trial becomes a holy hammer to mold me into his image.

As I walk daily through the fire, I see how much work God still has to do in my life—how much growth I have left in the areas of faith and trust. I truly want to be fully devoted to Him, to live my life in a way that takes full advantage of all the goodness He offers to us as Christians. Even though I know better, I want to have the blissfully happy life that we tend to imagine.

But I am learning that the abundant life can be ours even when circumstances are against us. I am learning to trust that God is sovereign and has a purpose in every pain. I am learning that if I seek His face in every situation, he will show me what he has for me. I am learning to be content in any and all circumstances. I am learning to trust him even when it seems dangerous.

What is God doing? I really don’t know. But I know that He sees the entire picture—from start to finish. He has ordained all my days even before I took my first breath (Psalm 139:16). I am a masterpiece created by Him to do good works that He has already prepared for me to do (Ephesians 2:10). I am learning that He can do anything and no plan of His can be thwarted (Job 42:2). I am learning to wait for Yahweh and put my hope in His work (Psalm 130:5).

Even though I can’t fully understand His ways, even though I can’t grasp what He is doing behind the scenes, I know that He is taking everything and weaving into a beautiful mosaic for my good (Romans 8:28). He is my all-seeing, all-knowing Father who loves me so much; therefore, I can trust Him.

As difficult as it can sometimes be, isn’t it better to trust our lives to the One who can see the finished picture? Isn’t it better to trust the One who has the full perspective from beginning to end? Isn’t it better to let him fight our battles, to let Him figure out how He is going to finish the work He has begun?

I’m tired of fighting. Today, I choose to trust.

 

I AM BACK!!!!

Goodness, I have so much to share.
So, while I get my thoughts organized and filter through everything that has transpired over the past 3 years since I posted, just let me say that I have seen the Hand of God at work mightily.  Literally seen his hands!!!


I cannot wait to share with you!! I promise to be back in just a few days, so be prepared because God has been on the move, and I am going to be sharing all that He has been doing!!


Because of the Cross,
Kim

God's Dog

My Mom and I shared a like minded heart- one that is drawn to animals, and dogs in particular.  In my “plenty-something” years, I have had several dog “loves”- Frisky, Luv, Tinker, Shadow, Emily, Chance, Rocks, Molly, Tanner, Titus and River.  The last 3 have been Boxers, two of which we still have in our lives, and it has been this breed that truly has captivated my soul and captured my heart.

Last November 3, after getting help, diagnoses and advice from 3 vets, we were told that our sweet River, who was only 4, had a very aggressive brain tumor and that she would only decline daily, never returning to her perpetual puppy personality.  On Friday, November 4^th, 2012, my husband and I held River as she crossed to the Bridge at our vets office. She took a part of my heart, and the void left, has not been filled.

We had River cremated, but still have not been able to bury her ashes.  I am grieved daily, and shedding  tears as I think of her, are a part of my daily routine.

My husband and I knew that we would add another canine child to our family, and when our hearts had healed enough, we began volunteering at the Lynchburg Humane Society as well as at the Animal Control Facility in Rustburg.  We were hopeful that the perfect addition to our home, would cross our paths.  On several occasions we took our male Boxer, Titus, to meet dogs that we thought would be a good fit, but there just wasn’t that click between the two dogs.  Titus is spoiled rotten and we make no apologies for it.  We live on 30 acres and took our dogs to the office when we went to work, and at home, it was just my husband and I and our 3 dogs along with our cat of 9 years, Tigger, who is truly the BOSS of our pets.

I have always had a tender spot for the Bully Breeds, and know that the public perception of these dogs is very, very wrong.  If I didn’t already have Boxers, I would definitely choose Bully breeds.  In fact, I had been so moved by the high number of pitbulls at the shelters, that we contacted Bully Paws, which is a rescue group, and filled out an application for adoption, hopeful that our dogs would be accepting of a new family member.

We had a home visit, our references and vet were contacted, and we were approved for any dog we wanted.  In early April we went to Fredericksburg to meet Daisy, a 8 week old gorgeous pit bull pup.  We had to take Tanner and Titus to the meet and greet, to see how they would interact.  Titus is such a jealous dog….he seems to think that we belong to him and him alone.  He gets grumpy at times with Tanner and would do the same with River, just letting them know that they need to let him have the lap time and not interfere.

It was love at first sight for me, but I soon realized that Titus and Daisy just weren’t going to click.  Daisy was so sweet, but she had a strong personality and most likely would not  be submissive to Titus which we all felt would cause issues.  But this is how it is with Titus and other dogs.  He likes to be boss.

On the way home from our meeting with Bully Paws, I got online to check the local shelters and SPCA’s again for boxer pups and what I found gave me goose bumps.

It seems that a breeder in the Charlottesville area, who was a widow, without children had died suddenly.  Her female Boxer, Chloe, had already been bred, and was due to deliver pups and a foster home was needed.  While I knew that I couldn’t take her in, I was anxious to learn about her pups, since they were going to be placed with the local shelter for adoption.

I called on Monday and discovered that Chloe and Jude were both in foster care at the same home, and that Chloe had delivered 6 healthy pups the first week in April.  They were now 3 weeks old and I was told that I could come and see them, which I did.  I was immediately drawn to a female with a black coat.  I was told that she was NOT a reverse brindle, but rather a black seal coated Boxer.  I held her and she immediately nuzzled my neck and started to suckle my cheek.  My heart melted and I knew at that moment that this was the girl who would help to mend my heart.   I was shown the papers for both the parents and saw that the male who had sired this pup was named- Buffalo River Jude.  RIVER!!!!! I had found my RIVER!!!!

I took pictures and when I got home, Keith just knew that I had left a part of my heart with that pup.  We talked to our vet who thought that Titus would do well with a Boxer pup. So, I was going to be  able to rehome a Boxer, and get a rescue pup at the same time.

I believe that God knows every secret we harbor in our heart.  He has known about my pain over loosing River, and the uncertainty we face with Tanner, our oldest Boxer, who is battling Cushings. Finding this pup was not a chance happening or a coincidence, but rather something sweet and tender orchestrated by my Creator who made me with a heart that loves.....people and dogs.

Tomorrow is Friday, May 24, 2013 and we will welcome Harley into our family. Harley’s Heart of River will join 8 year old Tanner and 7 year old Titus as my canine child…..one that I know will help me focus on the joy of having a new family member and mend the empty spot in my heart. And because her placement in our home is by Divine appointment, I anxiously look forward to all the puppy antics and training.

I will continue to help the dogs still waiting for their forever homes as needed through gifts of service and finances, and believe that there is a Divine appointment for them as well.

HELP NEEDED

I have been gone for so very long. Between the emails, and my journalling, I just didn't feel that I could tell my hurts  or my stories again.  But now, I realize by looking at the meager content here, that it's ME who has missed so much by sharing.  Even if no one else reads this, it does me good to express what is overflowing in my heart. 

There has been so much that  has happened in the 10 months since my last blog.

On June 6, 2012, my stepdad died after being at the Hospice House for 7 months.  I still had not fully accepted my Mom's death in September, and was dealing with her estate, when Richard's estate and personal matters were handed to me.

The following week my sister in law relapsed into the pit of cocaine addiction  and the same week, her son, Eric, who was 15, ran away.

August 3, 2012, Keith and I find his father, James Payne, stabbed to death in his home.  Three days later we find out that Vincent Spinner, his son in law,( the husband of Keith's sister), has been arrested and charged with the murder.  ( As of today, he has been charged with capital murder, although no trial date has been set).

Because Keith's father was the CEO of the company, and had secured all the bonding and financing in his name, Payne Construction came to a standstill, leaving Keith without a company....a job....an income.

There have been other valleys in our lives as well, but there have also been some mountaintops.
Through each and every situation all I have been able to get out of my mouth has been-
"Lord, I need You to help me with THIS."

I find that even today, I am breathing those same words......."Lord, help me with this ache." 
I am so very burdened for my children, my grandchildren....
The world today is not the safe haven it was when I grew up.  We never locked our cars, or homes.
I walked blocks alone to go to a friends house, and often my parents dropped us off at the mall alone, even as very young teens. 

I had no fear of being shot in school.  My parents didn't worry about a neighbor molesting me or me being kidnapped. Children respected their parents, and children actually knew WHO both of their parents were!! Divorce was rare.  Violence was foreign to me.  And yet, today,so many of the youngsters in our nation live without both parents, feel entitled, have no respect or even fear of condequences, and those who do, need to be taught to fear others.  I find that so sad.....so overwhelmingly heavy.  What future do my grandchildren have?

Think about the responsibilities that we have as parents and now, grandparents.  It can be overwhelming, and yes maybe even a bit daunting.  Just think about it.  We have these small, wonderfully created people that we are going to totally responsible for......for their each an every need. As parents and grandparents, we will be their guide, their example, their everything.  And if we falter on a regular basis, if we are not firmly rooted in God's word so that we can stand strong, our sweet babies are gonna be the ones who suffer the ill effects.

THAT is some kind of pressure!!!!  The kind of pressure that I need the Lord to help me with.

Add to that the role of wife. We areour husband's soul mate. Their helpmate.Their prayer partner. Their accountability partner. Their love. We offer support, encouragement, advice and understanding.  Wow!!! What a responsibility????!!!! A huge responsibility, but what a rewarding one as well.

So, even now, as I sit here typing this, I breathe, "Lord, please help me." I don't want my heart and mind filled with doubts and fears.    I want to know that my Creator is working all things for good as he watches me throughout my day. I want to know that my Provider is seeing to all my needs for today.  I want to know that my Savior is forgiving me for thoughts, words and deeds that have permeated my heart.  I want to know that my Rock is  holding me up when all I feel is weakness.  I want to know that my Comforter will bind up the raw edges of my heart that ache for those hurting and suffering....those who are mourning...those who have had their lives forever changed through senseless tragedies and Evil. 

Lord, as long as I know that YOU ARE, I will not be afraid.


But more than anything...

"Lord...help me to know that You are holding me...watching me breath..watching me drift in and out of my day - watching me look up - just to see if You are still there. Help me to confidently close my eyes - and KNOW that You are. Because just knowing that - will help me out with it all."

Taking Your Heart by Force

This has been a very difficult week for me.  Emotionally I feel drained.  Physically, I am exhausted.  And mentally….well  I’ll just say that there are  lots of thoughts floating around in the area above my shoulders, and I am not sure that anything needs to be floating around in there.

My stepdad was buried June 13^th…..my sister inlaw has succumbed to her drug addiction after 3 years of being clean, and has abandoned her husband, son and home….my nephew, Eric who is 15, thought that he needed to escape from his mother’s inability to love him and so he ran away.  We have heard nothing from him in 3 days.  My husband’s company is fighting to stay open, but it seems that this is one battle that my husband won’t win.  So, yes my mind has lots of floaters!!!!

But God is always so  “on time” and amazing that He brought my focus to this passage of Scripture in 2 Corinthians, that I am sure you are very familiar with:

"For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:3-5

I know that I must have heard this verse dozens of times over the course of my first few years as a Christian. But to be perfectly honest, it is not one I applied to me or my life.  Therefore I spent a great deal of time feeling defeated and discouraged.

After my Mom’s cancer diagnosis, in April 2011, I spent so much time praying and reading inspirational books various devotions, trying to some kind of relief from the hurt and pain that had consumed me, that God was able to  convict my heart about how I would read His Word but not apply it to my own life. It’s like I believed God was speaking, but just not speaking directly to my own heart.

Now I am one that will literally carry on a conversation with God.  And so I just came right out and asked Him, “ Lord, what does that even really mean...taking my thoughts into captivity? It sounds like it’s awesome and beneficial, but just what does that mean for me?"

This is what He showed me. When looking up the word captive in Webster's Dictionary, I was totally blown away by two of the definitions. One was "not able to act independently." The other attention grabbing definition was "obliged or forced to listen, whether wanting to or not."
Not able to act independently. Forced to listen whether wanting to or not. That’s me! But isn’t that just how we all are?  

There are  thoughts that are so destructive, so defeating, that I cannot let them just wander around in my head, wreaking havoc, stealing joy, destroying hope, doing whatever they want to do. I actually have to stop those thoughts and force them to listen. You know, kind of like when you have to stop your child who is running wild and won't listen...grabbing their precious little cheeks with two hands, getting in their face, and saying, "You. Will. Listen. To. Me. Now."

Of course, it's important to remember what you are forcing your heart to sit down and listen to...or rather Who. You are taking every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ. Jesus. Your heart needs to listen to (and obey) Jesus.

It's not mustering up your own strength. It's not fighting your thoughts with other nicer thoughts. Our weapons aren't carnal. We aren't fighting flesh with flesh. We are using God's Word and His truths to address lies and discouragement. His Word is mighty and powerful..”sharper than any two-edged sword…”

So this week I am struggling, as I said but I realize that I have a few choices:
-I can just try to ignore the destructive thoughts.
- I can try to tell myself to just get over it, to just think happy thoughts.
- I can force those thoughts to listen to God's truths, whether they want to listen or not!

And that "whether they want to listen or not" is so HUGE for me. Sometimes it just seems easier to stay discouraged. To live in defeat. Sometimes we just want to be good and mad. Sometimes we want to throw ourselves a big ol' pity party complete with chips and a bowl of M&M's, thank you very much. But what a miserable place to be.

I love how Renee Swope actually phrased it in her devotion the other day. She called it "bossing her heart."  I was so excited when I read that because it was exactly what God had been showing me with 2 Corinthians 10:3-5!

I'm not even totally sure how to end this post today. My heart is struggling this week. My mind is cluttered with things it just doesn't need to be cluttered with. And the above post is what I know I need to do about it. My pride wants to have it all together. I like having it all together. But I don't have it all together. And I can't get myself together myself. And that's such a good thing, really. It keeps me dependent on Jesus. It keeps me from becoming too impressed with myself...and anyone else from becoming to impressed with me. :)

ANYWAYS, I, too, need to be bossing my heart today. :) And I thought I would share because God's Word is AWESOME! God is awesome! I thought maybe someone else would love this, too. Every heart needs to be forced to listen from time to time. My heart...I'm thinking it may need it more than most.

The Impossible Prayer

The past few months my hands and heart have been full.  But full of good things.  Initially, I would not have thought they were all good, but in hindsight, I can see that they indeed were very good.

Last Wednesday at 6:45pm my stepdad died at the Centra Hospice House in Lynchburg, where he had been a resident since November 2011.  Richard had surpassed all expectations and predictions that the medical staff had made, as he moved to Hospice House with ony 3 months of expected life.  However, God had a plan for Richard, and until it was carried to completion, his days on earth would not come to a close.

I spoke at my stepdads funeral yesterday and it was difficult.  As long as Richard was still living, a part of my Mom was too.  She loved Richard unconditionally and to this day I can't understand how a woman could be so devoted to a man who did not return what was poured into him on a daily basis.

Richard was a man who was difficult to be around most of the time.  However, I beleive that God allows our lives to cross paths with others for a reason.  A Divine purpose.

I never had the chance to get to know Richard really well.  He and my Mom met in Florida where my parents had moved several years before.  My Dad died in 1999 and Mom and Richard married in 2004.  WHile I went down for the wedding, and had a few days to get familiar with my "stepdad", I didn't really get to know him until April 2011 after my Mom's Stage IV cancer diagnosis.

From the day that Mom was diagnosed, until the night she died, my husband and I were at her home every day.  I would leave work in Charlottesville, drive to their home in Forest, and spend the night.  I would leave their home the following morning at 6am and drive back to work.  Keith came over every evening and would either bring dinner or I would cook dinner for all of us.

It soon became apparent from the TV shows Richard watched, from the books he read, from the words that came out of his mouth, and from his total disregard for praying  and his refusal to even participate in the blessings at meal time, that he did not share my Mom's love for the Lord.

Keith and I were burdened for Richard.  We shared our concerns with my Mom, and she told us as well, that she also feared the same.  There was no way that Richard could have that sweet, saving relationship with Christ, and NOT demonstrate any Christ-like characteristics.  Nothing about him demonstrated that love for God.

So Keith and had Richard placed on prayer lists, and we had over a dozen different friends and family members try to share with Richard how different life could be with a relationship with Christ.  Richard wanted NOTHING to do with anything anyone tried to share, and he made it very clear that he was NOT going to listen to their foolishness.
I got mad.  So did my Mom, but her anger dissipated.  Mine did not.  It buried itself deep in the corner of my heart and stayed there creating a small root of bitterness.

I journal daily.....I blog when I want a more permanent record of what is on my mind and in my heart.  As I was reading over my journal entries from last August, when I was preparing what I wanted to share about Richard, I found the following entry on AUgust 19, 2011:

Mom knows that the cancer is winning the battle but she is still fighting.  She asked Keith and I if we would keep Richard at home as long as we possibly could after she was gone.  I told her we would, but I am not sure that I really meant what I said.  I don't know how Mom puts up wioth a man who never truly loved her or respected her.  Not the way a husband SHOULD.  Not the way Keith loves and respects me.

I know that I need to pray for a change in my heart.  And I need to pray for Richard.  It just seems like it's the impossible prayer. 

This evening I read the following in my devotions-  "On the day the Lord gave the Israelites victory over the Amorites, Joshua prayed to the Lord in front of all the people of Israel.  He said, "Let the sun stand still over Gibeon and the moon over the valley of Aijalon."  So the sun stood still and the moon stayed in place until the mation of Israel had defeated its enemy." 

This passage of Scripture tells me one thing,,,,even the impossible prayer needs to be prayed.  Prayer released power and even as I pray the seemingly impossible prayer for Richard's salvation, I believe that with God all things are possible.

My Mom died 3 weeks later and Richard stayed at home until it was just impossible for us to provide for all of his needs.  God opened up a bed at the Centra Hospice House and in November we moved Richard in there.  At the time he moved in he ws given just 3 months to live.

What a picture of grace and mercy I saw as week after week Richard continued to do well.  I believed that God was extending Richards life for one reason only.....giving him time to come to Christ.  I felt that once Richard came to that decision, he would be taken home.  But I wondered just how patient GOd would be with a man who shook his fist in the face of the Almighty.

My friend, Pat, who had been a caregiver for my Mom and Richard, went with me often to visit Richard.  The first few visits, Richard was his usual self.  Crude, somewhat vulgar and asking for some girlie magazines!  Nothing had changed.

Each time I would visit with Richard I would let him know as I was leaving when I would be returning...we soon developed a very scripted dialogue that continued unchanged for many, many weeks.

ME- Richard, I will see you in a few days.
RICHARD- I may not be here when you come back
ME- Where are you going?
RICHARD- To hell if I'm not careful.
ME- Richard, hells is real, but so is heaven.  It's gonna be one or the other.  It's your choice.

 By March Richard's hard exterior seemed to be thawing a little. He would take my  hand when I came to visit.  He would ask about Keith and work.  He was interested in what we were doing.  This time when I was ready to leave our dialogue was a bit different:
ME- Richard, I'll be back in about a week.
RICHARD- I haven't been feeling well, so I'm not sure how much longer I'll be here.
ME- Where are ya going?
RICHARD- I think I'll see Dorothy.
ME- Richard, MOm's in heaven.  Are you ready for heaven?
RICHARD- I hope so
ME- Richard, you don't have to hope, you can KNOW FOR SURE.

I left it at that and called the hospice chaplin to let her know that RIchard seemed to be having a change of heart.

That night as I was doing my vdevotions I read Psalm 116"1,2  " I love the Lord because He hears my prayers for mercy.  Because He bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath."

God was not only working in Richard's heart, but he was working in mine as well.  That anger that I had allowed to fester  in my heart and grow into that root of bitterness....well I did a litle heart surgery that night and removed it. I knew that I had to look to Christ for perspective and for the power to forgive and for on.

God used Richard to teach me about forgiveness and hope....
I will never be able to forgive anyone any more than what I have ALREADY been forgiven.  God does NOT command us to JUDGE others, but He DOES command us to LOVE others. 

When I forgave Richard I was released from being a prisioner...I no longer had to keep my hands tightly clenched around that hurt.  And I was able to see CLEARLY the man my mother loved so dearly.

I realized that perhaps the truest grace is not to forgive, but to have never found fault.

Richard also taught me about the importance of holding on to hope.  All of those friends and family I mentioned earlier who shared with Richard...well, each of them planted a seed...each of them offered Ricahrd hope.  Each of them prayed that Richard would find that peace and comfort that can only come from a saving knowledge of Christ.  We never gave up HOPING for Richard.  Hope is FAITH in the future tense.

God surrounded Richard at Hospice House with godly, loving, caring people who were dedicated to making sure that his last months and weeks were as comfortable and enjoyable as possible.

The last time that I had any real meaningful conversation with Richard was on May 12th.....just 3 weeks prior ro his death.  As I was leaving we once again went through our conversational dance.....
ME-  Richard, I will be back in a week or so.
RICHARD- I hope I'll be here
ME- Where do you think you're going this time?
RICHARD- To see Dorothy
ME- Are you ready?
RICHARD-  I sure am!!!!!

Thank you God......I left that afternoon floating on a cloud of joy.

I went to see Richard on June 2, but he was sleeping.
On June 5th I got a call from the hospice nurse telling me that Richard had entered the active dying phase.  Keith went over to stay during the day, and I called Brenda, Richard's daughter, and his sisters.  I went over after work and Richard was unresponsive.  I could shake his  shoulder and call his name, and his eyes would flutter open for just a few seconds before closing again.  He had not eaten or drank anything all day.

I knew Richard could still hear me, so I bent over his bed and talked to him.....
"Richard, you know heaven is real.  Mom is there waiting for you.....I truly believe that you finally got it settled.  But I just wanted to make sure........"  So I read 1 John 5:11, 12, I read Romans 5:8....for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God....I read Romans 6"23..for the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Chirst Jesus our Lord.....and I read Romans 10:13....for whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.

I told Richard I loved him and that he had fought a long, hard fight, but he could rest now.  I left his room with one final goodbye.."Richard, i will see you again..."

Richard died the following evening at 6:45pm just as I had pulled into the Hospice House parking lot.....I think Richard must have known I was coming and he wanted to leave before I had the chance to pester him again!!  I think he was in a hurry to see my Mom again!

Answers to prayers are divine, not human.  They come from heaven.  I will no longer think rationally when I pray. My God has not limits or boundaries.  From now on I will eagerly pray the impossible prayers knowing that God will answer.

Time to Change

One year ago today my Mom received her cancer diagnosis.  Five months later she was gone.  Five months to the day.  So, today also marks 7 months since my Mom died. Where has the time gone?  It just seems like last week that we were getting the news from Dr. MacNeil that would forever change our lives.

 I remember so vividly sitting in the room with my Mom when the bombshell exploded.  Even now a year later, all I remember are snippets of what we were being told…only 6 months live…surgery not an option…pain management only….aggressive form of cancer.  The changes ahead…there would be so many…some painful, others heart wrenching, and yet I knew that God would work all things for good.

I spent my time driving into work this morning from Lynchburg to Charlottesville, thinking back over the past year and how my life changed.   I’d like to believe it has been for the better.  So much of what I thought was important just slipped by the wayside, as I tried to spend every minute possible with my Mom.   However, there was a time several years ago that my life changed.  In fact, I had a total mind and soul makeover!!!

My Scripture verse this morning came from Luke 15:7 where it says, “ In the same way, there is more joy in heaven over one lost sinner who repents and returns to God than over ninety-nine others who are righteous and haven’t strayed.” That really hit me between the eyes.

Jesus would always tell those who were in sin to “go and sin no more.”  He never asked them if they were sorry for what they had done or if they felt bad about their actions.  He simply told them to change.

I know that I am probably like most people in that I truly feel bad for doing or saying something that I regretted or that caused trouble, for either me or others.  However, the hard lesson for me to learn was that repentance is NOT just being sorrowful for getting caught.  It’s experiencing so much heartache and humiliation for what we have done that we are willing to do WHATEVER it takes to change our ways and turn our lives and hearts over to God.

I was like most people in that I was unwilling to repent until I hit bottom.  It doesn’t have to be that way for anyone, and it sure didn’t have to be that way for me.  God sends plenty of messengers to show us a way of escape.  However, most of us, my self included here BIG TIME, refuse to acknowledge that we are actually a sinner, so we never humble ourselves to a point where we are repentant.

I had my “turning” day though, and when that day came…well, there just hasn’t been anything ever like it before in my life!  (Obviously!)   There are some who call this turning day the day of salvation and others have told me that they had a dramatic conversion, or finally “saw the Light”,  while others refer to this special time as their spiritual rebirth.  Whatever one chooses to call it, being truly repentant and acknowledging that I was a sinner who needed forgiveness left me with a new heart and a changed life!

Being a Christian is a way of life.  Not a life of perfection, or standing in judgment of others,  but a life with a new heart.  Jonathan Edwards said that this is real or true Christianity.  He believed that a Christian’s life must be marked by a change in character AND action to be real.

My heart  was forever changed when I became a Christian 11 years ago and it was again changed one year ago when I knew that my Mom’s days were numbered.  If one good thing came from my Mom’s battle with cancer it was focus….For perhaps the first time in my life I was able to truly focus on what has mattered most of all along.  Trusting in God’s perfect will for ALL things, and loving, TRULY loving through my actions, those who mean the most to me. 

I miss my Mom every day.  I always will. Our separation is not for long, because I have that promise of seeing her again in heaven.  You see, my Mom had a “turning day” too!!!  So today I am choosing to celebrate changing lives…and the best change of all is TURNING IT AROUND to God.