God's Dog

My Mom and I shared a like minded heart- one that is drawn to animals, and dogs in particular.  In my “plenty-something” years, I have had several dog “loves”- Frisky, Luv, Tinker, Shadow, Emily, Chance, Rocks, Molly, Tanner, Titus and River.  The last 3 have been Boxers, two of which we still have in our lives, and it has been this breed that truly has captivated my soul and captured my heart.

Last November 3, after getting help, diagnoses and advice from 3 vets, we were told that our sweet River, who was only 4, had a very aggressive brain tumor and that she would only decline daily, never returning to her perpetual puppy personality.  On Friday, November 4^th, 2012, my husband and I held River as she crossed to the Bridge at our vets office. She took a part of my heart, and the void left, has not been filled.

We had River cremated, but still have not been able to bury her ashes.  I am grieved daily, and shedding  tears as I think of her, are a part of my daily routine.

My husband and I knew that we would add another canine child to our family, and when our hearts had healed enough, we began volunteering at the Lynchburg Humane Society as well as at the Animal Control Facility in Rustburg.  We were hopeful that the perfect addition to our home, would cross our paths.  On several occasions we took our male Boxer, Titus, to meet dogs that we thought would be a good fit, but there just wasn’t that click between the two dogs.  Titus is spoiled rotten and we make no apologies for it.  We live on 30 acres and took our dogs to the office when we went to work, and at home, it was just my husband and I and our 3 dogs along with our cat of 9 years, Tigger, who is truly the BOSS of our pets.

I have always had a tender spot for the Bully Breeds, and know that the public perception of these dogs is very, very wrong.  If I didn’t already have Boxers, I would definitely choose Bully breeds.  In fact, I had been so moved by the high number of pitbulls at the shelters, that we contacted Bully Paws, which is a rescue group, and filled out an application for adoption, hopeful that our dogs would be accepting of a new family member.

We had a home visit, our references and vet were contacted, and we were approved for any dog we wanted.  In early April we went to Fredericksburg to meet Daisy, a 8 week old gorgeous pit bull pup.  We had to take Tanner and Titus to the meet and greet, to see how they would interact.  Titus is such a jealous dog….he seems to think that we belong to him and him alone.  He gets grumpy at times with Tanner and would do the same with River, just letting them know that they need to let him have the lap time and not interfere.

It was love at first sight for me, but I soon realized that Titus and Daisy just weren’t going to click.  Daisy was so sweet, but she had a strong personality and most likely would not  be submissive to Titus which we all felt would cause issues.  But this is how it is with Titus and other dogs.  He likes to be boss.

On the way home from our meeting with Bully Paws, I got online to check the local shelters and SPCA’s again for boxer pups and what I found gave me goose bumps.

It seems that a breeder in the Charlottesville area, who was a widow, without children had died suddenly.  Her female Boxer, Chloe, had already been bred, and was due to deliver pups and a foster home was needed.  While I knew that I couldn’t take her in, I was anxious to learn about her pups, since they were going to be placed with the local shelter for adoption.

I called on Monday and discovered that Chloe and Jude were both in foster care at the same home, and that Chloe had delivered 6 healthy pups the first week in April.  They were now 3 weeks old and I was told that I could come and see them, which I did.  I was immediately drawn to a female with a black coat.  I was told that she was NOT a reverse brindle, but rather a black seal coated Boxer.  I held her and she immediately nuzzled my neck and started to suckle my cheek.  My heart melted and I knew at that moment that this was the girl who would help to mend my heart.   I was shown the papers for both the parents and saw that the male who had sired this pup was named- Buffalo River Jude.  RIVER!!!!! I had found my RIVER!!!!

I took pictures and when I got home, Keith just knew that I had left a part of my heart with that pup.  We talked to our vet who thought that Titus would do well with a Boxer pup. So, I was going to be  able to rehome a Boxer, and get a rescue pup at the same time.

I believe that God knows every secret we harbor in our heart.  He has known about my pain over loosing River, and the uncertainty we face with Tanner, our oldest Boxer, who is battling Cushings. Finding this pup was not a chance happening or a coincidence, but rather something sweet and tender orchestrated by my Creator who made me with a heart that loves.....people and dogs.

Tomorrow is Friday, May 24, 2013 and we will welcome Harley into our family. Harley’s Heart of River will join 8 year old Tanner and 7 year old Titus as my canine child…..one that I know will help me focus on the joy of having a new family member and mend the empty spot in my heart. And because her placement in our home is by Divine appointment, I anxiously look forward to all the puppy antics and training.

I will continue to help the dogs still waiting for their forever homes as needed through gifts of service and finances, and believe that there is a Divine appointment for them as well.

HELP NEEDED

I have been gone for so very long. Between the emails, and my journalling, I just didn't feel that I could tell my hurts  or my stories again.  But now, I realize by looking at the meager content here, that it's ME who has missed so much by sharing.  Even if no one else reads this, it does me good to express what is overflowing in my heart. 

There has been so much that  has happened in the 10 months since my last blog.

On June 6, 2012, my stepdad died after being at the Hospice House for 7 months.  I still had not fully accepted my Mom's death in September, and was dealing with her estate, when Richard's estate and personal matters were handed to me.

The following week my sister in law relapsed into the pit of cocaine addiction  and the same week, her son, Eric, who was 15, ran away.

August 3, 2012, Keith and I find his father, James Payne, stabbed to death in his home.  Three days later we find out that Vincent Spinner, his son in law,( the husband of Keith's sister), has been arrested and charged with the murder.  ( As of today, he has been charged with capital murder, although no trial date has been set).

Because Keith's father was the CEO of the company, and had secured all the bonding and financing in his name, Payne Construction came to a standstill, leaving Keith without a company....a job....an income.

There have been other valleys in our lives as well, but there have also been some mountaintops.
Through each and every situation all I have been able to get out of my mouth has been-
"Lord, I need You to help me with THIS."

I find that even today, I am breathing those same words......."Lord, help me with this ache." 
I am so very burdened for my children, my grandchildren....
The world today is not the safe haven it was when I grew up.  We never locked our cars, or homes.
I walked blocks alone to go to a friends house, and often my parents dropped us off at the mall alone, even as very young teens. 

I had no fear of being shot in school.  My parents didn't worry about a neighbor molesting me or me being kidnapped. Children respected their parents, and children actually knew WHO both of their parents were!! Divorce was rare.  Violence was foreign to me.  And yet, today,so many of the youngsters in our nation live without both parents, feel entitled, have no respect or even fear of condequences, and those who do, need to be taught to fear others.  I find that so sad.....so overwhelmingly heavy.  What future do my grandchildren have?

Think about the responsibilities that we have as parents and now, grandparents.  It can be overwhelming, and yes maybe even a bit daunting.  Just think about it.  We have these small, wonderfully created people that we are going to totally responsible for......for their each an every need. As parents and grandparents, we will be their guide, their example, their everything.  And if we falter on a regular basis, if we are not firmly rooted in God's word so that we can stand strong, our sweet babies are gonna be the ones who suffer the ill effects.

THAT is some kind of pressure!!!!  The kind of pressure that I need the Lord to help me with.

Add to that the role of wife. We areour husband's soul mate. Their helpmate.Their prayer partner. Their accountability partner. Their love. We offer support, encouragement, advice and understanding.  Wow!!! What a responsibility????!!!! A huge responsibility, but what a rewarding one as well.

So, even now, as I sit here typing this, I breathe, "Lord, please help me." I don't want my heart and mind filled with doubts and fears.    I want to know that my Creator is working all things for good as he watches me throughout my day. I want to know that my Provider is seeing to all my needs for today.  I want to know that my Savior is forgiving me for thoughts, words and deeds that have permeated my heart.  I want to know that my Rock is  holding me up when all I feel is weakness.  I want to know that my Comforter will bind up the raw edges of my heart that ache for those hurting and suffering....those who are mourning...those who have had their lives forever changed through senseless tragedies and Evil. 

Lord, as long as I know that YOU ARE, I will not be afraid.


But more than anything...

"Lord...help me to know that You are holding me...watching me breath..watching me drift in and out of my day - watching me look up - just to see if You are still there. Help me to confidently close my eyes - and KNOW that You are. Because just knowing that - will help me out with it all."