Immeasureable Gratefulness

It's really okay to be joyful.  Gleeful.

Really. It's alright.

It's. All. Right. Because when we enter into the glee of things - we enter into gratefulness.

Lately, the Lord has been whispering to me...... "Enjoy Me."

He knows that I don't. And He knows why. It's not that I don't love Him.  I do.  More than anything or anyone. But it's because my heart is so heavy.

It's the being aware of the sick and the starving and the stricken. It's the waking up to a world with woes. To a world with despair and dilapidation. It's knowing that pictures on calenders are only a portion of the earth's portraits. The others? We couldn't stand to stare at the site of them. While they may not don our walls -  they do dot the earth....snapshots of need and pain and torment....they are real.  It’s on the TV and in the newspapers.  It’s in my small city of Lynchburg.

Hence - the hesitancy to know joy.

But, lately, He's been busting this up for me.

I have been going through my Mom’s house…trying to sort out what to keep, what to give away.  And I found her measuring spoons…the very ones that she used when she made cookies with me and my brother, and then years later, with my two sons.  I remember how giddy with delight they were as their young hands clinch mixing spoons - all ready to stir icing. And the laughter and the squeals as they dove into those bowls of goodness and they enjoyed every lick. Looking back, I can remember the sticky fingers and the smiles on their faces as they proudly displayed the cupcakes they had so masterfully frosted and decorated!   And so the memories from those times past brings joy -and yes - it leads to gratefulness.

And just as I attempt to stop myself - just as I begin putting up the walls to joy because I know others on earth will never have icing cross their lips - and I know other women will never have children graze in their kitchens (though they so long for it) - and I know that despair would love to have some part in my own future (oh, the what ifs).....just as I start to extinguish the fire of joy  - the one I wed walks in.

And he sees me staring at the silver measuring spoons in my hand, tears running down my face and he understands without me saying a word that I have been reminiscing  about times shared with my Mom.  And not just my Mom….but my sons, the joys of my heart.  They are both grown, out of college, have good careers and are doing just fine without me. But how I love to relive those moments and those blessings!!!

Enjoy the blessings. Look for the blessings. Take note of them. Let them bring laughter. Let them bring joy right in. The simple ones...like little boys in Nana’s kitchen having the chance to eat icing. And serious ones....sacred ones....like the joy of knowing Christ. Really knowing Him....it should bring joy! It should bring celebration! Yes!

"Is there a greater way to love the Giver than to delight wildly in His gifts?" - Ann Voskamp in One Thousand Gifts

  I'm so bad at this. I still don't know what it should look like exactly. And I still find myself feeling guilty for having...just having. But I do know He has been whispering it....and I do know He wants me to be grateful, exuberant....inextinguishable - over what He's done for me. Not just materially, but spiritually.

And so yes....I will enter into glee. And He will enter into me and into the moments. And gratefulness will abound. Immeasureable gratefulness!!!

Part 2 of Forgiveness....the Duty of a Christian

Remember...these are my NOTES for my opportunity to share at the Salvation Army.....If any of you would like to come and give me some moral support, I would LOVE that.  I will be posting the date once I get it!!!!!

Point 1: Know that forgiveness is for YOU. On many levels.

   *Level 1: The obvious....He forgives you. Of it all. Yes...of it ALL. Get that.

   *Level 2: It's for your well-being. (Emotionally, Physically, Spiritually, Mentally)

          - As I considered this point, I got another picture in my mind. (Sounds weird, doesn't it?) It was of me....holding a tiny little animal. It was a gross and vile looking little thing. Yet, I was petting it, loving it, protecting it. And I understood that this nasty animals name was 'Unforgiveness'. The problem is....this animal bites.  But it bites YOU, not your offender.

          - Sometimes we believe that holding onto unforgiveness works more to our advantage than being healed of it. But unforgiveness will NOT allow us to have the life we want.

   *It will however, allow us to live a life of torment. Again, on many levels.

          *Emotionally: Unforgiveness can cause bitterness, depression, anger, fear, resentment, etc

          *Physically: Unforgiveness can cause high blood pressure, disease, heart problems, etc

(These ailments can derive from other sources as well - but we all too often overlook the effects of our inner turmoils on the human body.)

   *Jimmy Evans quote: "The poison of unforgiveness damages the vessel it is stored in worse than anything you can spit it on. It's killing you. The most self-loving thing you can do is forgive."

Point 2: Know that forgiveness is for THEM. (Your offender.)

   *Spurgeon quote: "He who grows in grace remembers that he is but dust...he overlooks 10,000 of their faults, because he knows his God overlooks 20,000 in his own case."

(Warning: We forgive people unfixed...before they act like they deserve to be forgiven. However, forgiving doesn't mean we go back and expose ourselves to abuse. Sometimes, we have to forgive from afar. In addition, if you are married and experiencing any type of abuse or danger....get to safety and seek wise, godly counsel.)

   *Sometimes our forgiving them - will eventually bring them to salvation. Seeing a heart change in us - can, at times, make them seek the Heart Changer, themselves.

   *Matthew 6:9-15 (The Lord's Prayer.) Notice verse 12: 'Forgive us our debts...as we have also forgiven our debtors.' And then notice verses 14 and 15: Look what Jesus decided to expound upon. He could have explained any part of the Lord's Prayer - but He chose to dive deeper into our topic. Forgiveness is for them...because it circles back to you.  Your forgiveness, depends on your forgiveness.

   * We can't withhold grace from others and get it from God. Life without grace from God is torment. (See emotional and physical ailments mentioned in Point 1.)

Point 3: Know that forgiveness is FROM HIM.

   * We have a tendency to think, "if only my offender would show true repentance....then I could fully forgive." Or sometimes we think, "If only I could give them a piece of my mind...then I could fully forgive." Both...are lies. The sting of what our offenders have done to us - will usually overpower their remorse (or your revenge) for it. Our offender, no matter what, can't make us forgive from the heart. The only way to reap a harvest of forgiveness is by His power alone.

   *Revisit Chapter 10 of Hosea. The whole chapter is about the Lord's people having false hearts...having thorns and thistles in their fallow ground. Verse 12... is God's prescription for His people. It's His council for those with hard hearts.

   * He is capable. He is capable of healing our hearts, of helping us extend forgiveness to those who don't deserve it, of breaking up our hard ground and reaping a harvest of forgiveness in us. US....broken, wounded, afflicted, tainted women like you and me.

I am so looking forward to sharing this with the women at the Salvation Army . It's an honor to serve them and I am so thankful that God is giving me the privilege to do this.  I am so humbled to think that He TRUSTS me enough to share HIM with others!!!!  May He spur us onward in faith and in forgiveness. His Best to each of you!!!!

Forgiveness....the Duty of a Christian

Sometimes we strangle ourselves and we aren’t even aware of what we are doing.

Years ago a tree was dying in my parent's yard, and my Dad couldn’t understand why.  There weren’t any parasites, it had been getting plenty of water and sunlight.... But  still it was dying.  As my Dad began to dig the tree up he noticed that it's very own root was wrapped around itself.  All twisted and tight and blocking goodness. He was able to unwrap the root somehow and as the weeks past we noticed that the tree was thriving.  In fact, nearly 35 years later, that tree is still living in the front yard of my childhood home.

So, as I think about this tree - how its own appendage of sorts wrecked havoc on its life.  How on the surface - the vicious tangled mess went unseen but under the dirt- deep down, compressed and silent - the tree's very own ways just about caused its own demise.

In that tree - I see this woman.  Me.

Hello, friends!!  I mentioned in my previous post that I had been writing notes for my speaking opportunity at the Salvation Army, so I thought that  I would scribble out a blog post containing some of my notes on the top that I have chosen-Forgiveness - and I'm here to deliver. I'll post half of my notes today and half on my next post -for lengths sake.

The story above was my intro. May the Lord stir all of us into a deeper, more real, more meaningful and steadfast walk with Him.

(I will ask you in advance to forgive the randomness of these notes. What I have written was meant to be spoken….so it may not flow the way I am hoping it does when I actually share!!!!)

***********************************

*I too have a root that threatens to strangle me....it's called unforgiveness.

*None of us would have to go far for material on this topic. We all know pain. We all have wounds. And we all need healing.

*Unforgiveness has a harvest. It's a diseased and a corrupted one...but it has a harvest.  However there is Good News.  And what is that Good News? Forgiveness has a harvest, too - a good, fruitful one.

*Hosea 10:12 - Sow for yourselves righteousness. Reap steadfast love. Break up your fallow ground. For it is time to seek the Lord - that He may come and rain righteousness upon you.”

       - 'Break up your fallow ground' - that's what we need to start doing right now.

       - 'Fallow' in the Hebrew is 'niyr' - it means hard, untilled ground, yes - but iti has NOT been tilled YET, but it still is tillable!

       - Notice how the Lord provides. He tells us in the first lines 'sow righteousness, reap love' and then He says, 'seek Me....and I will provide the ability to do that for you, child.'

       - His power alone is the only way we forgive....from the heart. The Forgiver Himself, alone.

*I began prepping this talk by asking, "God, what do you want to teach me about forgiveness?" And I instantly got a very clear picture in my mind:

       - It was the front of my body....with my torso opened up to expose my heart and belly.  And I understood that the heart and belly I saw were healthy. And the Lord whispered, "Kim, I want you to know forgiveness HERE. In your depths. In those places only I can see and only you can feel, child. Through and through. And by the way, the only way you can have this is by ME."

       - Forgiveness is a heart issue.

*Luke 6:37-38: Judge not and you will not be judged; condemn not and you will not be condemned; forgive and you will be forgiven; give and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.

       - Notice the word 'lap'. That's the ESV version. The NKJV uses the word, 'bosom'. Both words are translated from the Greek word, 'kolpos'. (Now keep in mind the vision the Lord gave me before I ever cracked open the scriptures on this topic.) The word 'kolpos' means: the front of the body between the arms. Is the Lord not confirming that He yearns for us to know forgiveness in. our. hearts? In our inner most places? Indeed, He is.

 I find this so very amazing….just like God to plant His thoughts into our minds so that when we are reading and studying His Word, that we have this wonderful confirmation.  I think of it as His conversation with me….and friends, that is so special!!!

*Luke 6:45: The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.

     - Notice the 'of the heart' in this verse....the Lord speaking it yet again.

     - Before we can mean forgiveness in our faces, before we can speak it with our mouths, we have to mean it in our hearts.

     - God's calling everyone to forgiveness - from the heart. He's made it clear.

*At this point you may be thinking, "Okay, I get it. The Lord wants us to know forgiveness in the deep...in the heart. But what does this look like? How do we go about doing this?"

Good question.

Won't you check back real soon for part two? To find out what God has revealed about this whole forgiveness challenge? Oh, please do. Because He has done some revealing, friends! Until then, seek His face and you'll find it.

My Request for Prayer

I have a simple request….please keep me in your prayers.

Ya see, I was asked to call The Salvation Army on behalf of my ABF ( Adult Bible Fellowship) class at church, as our class wants to get involved on a regular basis with an outreach ministry of some kind.  So, I called the Salvation Army and after talking with the lady there for over 30 minutes she asked me if I would be willing to come and be a part of a time of sharing with the women who are at the Center for Hope.

I felt lead to accept her invitation and guess what I'm speaking on....forgiveness. Come to find out...the Lord has a lot to say on this topic. To me especially, it seems :)

(If you don't want to be messed with in a certain area - don't teach on it. God knows the only way you can effectively, lovingly, and humbly speak something - is if He has spoken it to you - and you have been in need of it.)

And let's just say - He has been doing a lot of speaking.  A LOT!!!

So kind friends, as I prepare for this opportunity - would you go to the throne with me in prayer? Oh - I do need for it to be lifted up. Forgiveness is a deep, unworldly, anti-cultural thing. It's a serious thing. A God thing. And so prayers lifted up on behalf of all the ladies attending - is much needed. And prayers are never wasted on this lady, either.  Heaven knows that I need all the prayer support I can get.  But then we all do, don’t we?

I have been writing my notes for several days now, and will most likely post them here, in case anyone happens to read them, and can offer suggestions for making what I want to say better.

Love and grace and laughter and joy and peace and contentment and faith and warm hugs to you all.

"The call to follow Christ always means a call to share the work of forgiving men their sins. Forgiveness is the Christ-like suffering which it is the Christian's duty to bear." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Oh, Lord, we all need your help with this!!!

Missing Mom

It seems like years since I have written....when it's actually only been a couple of weeks.  The last "creative" writing I did was a tribute to my Mom...Dorothy Young, who lost her 5 month battle with cancer on Septmeber 12, 2011.  I lived at her home, taking care of her the last 3 weeks of her life, and even though it was so heartbreaking to be there, it was also the most rewarding time of my life.

Tomorrow will be 3 weeks since we laid Mom's body to rest....and I still have not been able to wrap my brain around the fact that she is gone.  I guess that's because I am staying so busy that I just don't have time to think.....

Well, I wanted to share just a little about my Mom, because she is responsible for molding me into the woman that I am today.  She did that through love, sacrifice and PRAYER.  Without my Mom, I cringe to think of where I would be, as I was somewhat of a prodigal in my earlier years.  But thank GOD, and I truly mean THANK G-O-D for answering my Mom's prayers.....

Mom and I were on the way home from her last chemo treatment on July 18, 2011 when she asked me if I would write her obituary.  I joked with her, as I just didn't want to think about doing that.  So I told her that yes I would be glad to, as I would finally get to tell everyone what she was really like!!!  We both laughed...but in reality, that is just what I did.  I was able to share with others about the wonderful woman that my Mom was.  And that's what I want to do here.  I want to honor my Mom and God by sharing a part of her with anyone who reads this.

As I was looking through some of my Mom's belongings in her nightstand the day after she died, I found a journal that she had started on January 1, 2011.  She only had 3 entries, and while I was puzzled as to why she stopped writing, I was also amazed at the words she had penned.

The first entry on January 1, 2011 read simply...."Last year was one that I am glad is gone. Looking forward to a better year."

The second entry on Janyary 7, 2011 read, "It's a cold day and I am content to sit in front of the fireplace with Abbott," ( her dog) "and just have a lazy day."

The last entry on February 6, 2011 said," There will be times in our lives when adversity will  be unavoidable.  The loneliness that comes form being misunderstood doesn't have to isolate us.  God knows how to meet our every need.  Suring our "Gethesemane moments" he drops His wonderful principals into the soil of our lives.  As He waters our hearts with the truth of His Word, something wonderful transpires.  We begin to see just how valuable we are to Him and how He uses each sorrow to draw us closer to Him."

Wow!!! I never knew that my Mom could express thoughts like that.  No wonder I love writing...God didn't start this desire to share with others with me.....He started it with my Mom. 

I found something very similar that I had written after I found out that Mom had cancer.....I wrote..
"Sometimes we ask, "God why have You allowed this heartache?"  His answer, "I allow this and other painful trials to brush against your life so that you will know that My purpose is far greater than you can imagine." It is in times of trial and adversity that God purifies and shapes our hearts and lives so that we can reflect His grace to others.  The key to facing heartache and difficulty victoriously is knowing that God is in control of our life and circumstances.  Sometimes suffering is the only way for God to accomplish His purpose in our lives.

My Mom loved the Lord and it was because of her faith and trust in Christ that she was able to walk the path that God chose for her life.  She had many trials and heartaches in her 80 years, and while she may have voiced her concerns or shared what was going on, she never compalined about the circumstances that God allowed to be a part of her life.  She had that amazing faith and trust that God was using each and every situation for her good.  Her circumstances became stepping stones rather than stumbling blocks and that was because of her attitude.  She chose to see the good in situations and people. She chose to overlook mistakes.  She chose to demonstrate tue Christian love to those in her life, even if it came at her own expense. She placed other first over and over again.

Mom kept her priorities as God wanted them, so God was first in her life and then her husband  and then her children. She was a goldy wife and a woman who only not only loved but who showed compassion to others even at times when I felt that it was not deserved.

But then what do I deserve?  I certianly do not deserve the love and forgiveness of a holy righteous God.  But He gives that to me.  And so many times I have thought that I didn't deserve a mother who never gave up loving and praying for me when I was a prodigal in my own way.  God gave me a mother who lived her life as a testimony of what it means to be a Christian.  When God placed people with needs in Mom's path she chose to do what God wanted her to do rather than wait for someone else to come along and do it.  Her actions spoke volumes about the woman she was, and I am so very proud to be her daughter.

The past 5 months that I had with my Mom are times that I would not trade anything in the world for.  No, they weren't all good, but each and every moment I learned more and more about my Mom and the woman that God chose for my mother.  In learning more about her, I also learned more about God and His grace and tender mercies.  My Mom loved as Christ would have each of us to love...unconditionally.  She was an example to all who knew her of what it meant to WALK the life of a Christian. 

I miss my Mom so much, but I know that I will see her again.   She had that relationship with Christ, and I am so thankful that I do too.  And then finally...no more tears!!!

Prayer...What Are You Waiting For

One of my Facebook friends, who I went to high school with, had a post today about prayer.  I have been really burdened in the past few months to “pray without ceasing.” My Mom and stepdad are both in hospice now.  And my family needs prayer for so many reasons.  Since becoming a true believer of Jesus Christ, I have experienced some of the most awesome answers to prayer.  Answers that would give you goose bumps and chill you!   I find that when I pray I am drawn closer to the heart of God, and that’s where I want to be…..as close to His heart as I can get.

Even though I have been a believer for several years, and have taken prayer seriously, I'm just now beginning to understand this as a discipline. The bigness of it. The effects of it. The privilege of it.

There are so many awesome scriptures on prayer….so many quotes by really wonderful people on prayer…..so many good pray-ers. No one really needs me to write a blog post on it.

But here lately, I have been finding so much joy in praying. Instead of it being a monotonous ritual or an anxiety filled plea - it's become more of a communing. It's something I crave. Something I need. Not something I dread. Not something I fear. It's also been more about intercession. That is, praying for other people - interceding for them. I have found so much satisfaction in this. Excitement, even! I've discovered that praying for another person's needs causes a fountain of love and contentment to well up inside - causing the tumult within my own heart to cease. I know that sounds cheesy but it's true.

Right now, outside the bedroom window at my Mom’s house, there is a gazing globe sitting on a stand that is secured in the ground. It has become my daily focal point, if you will. When I look in the globe I can see behind me and all around me. When I am out walking Abbott, my Mom’s canine child, I always go by the gazing globe and stare at it to see just what I can see around me. Things that I might otherwise miss. And when I am sitting with her in her room, I peer out the window into the globe. It serves as a reminder that there is a whole world of people that I can’t see,  so many needs of others that I miss or that go un-noticed…by me, not by God. There are people who are missed, those who need the love and compassion of Jesus. And it reminds me to pray for them. It's powerful.

What can I pray about for YOU? Please take me up on this. It would be my pleasure to lift you up in intercession. I'm setting aside some extra time just to pray for you. Take courage in that!  I have also joined PRAYBOOK, which interfaces with Facebook.  Any of you who are my FB friends, will be getting messages from me about  once a week, as I am given a random selection of my FB friends to pray for each day, so that in the course of a week, I have prayed for each FB friend specifically.

I'll leave you with some wisdom far richer than anything I could ever conjure up! Be blessed, friends - and know that you are loved....and prayed for!

Pray without ceasing. - 1 Thessalonians 5:17 ( this is part of my life’s verse..”Be joyful always, pray continually, IN ALL circumstances, give thanks, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

"I am so grateful I did not wait until I was perfect or had everything straight before praying for others, otherwise I would never have begun." - Richard Foster

Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know. - Jeremiah 33:3

"Understand that praying is more than bowing your head and saying your prayers. Your whole life can be a prayer." - from Checklist for a Woman's Life

And I will pray the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He made abide with you forever. - John 14:16

 Lord, lead me in prayer. Meet me in prayer. Teach me how to pray. Let the Spirit pray through me. Bring people and things to my mind that you want prayed for. And let me heed the call. Please bless everyone who stops by my blog with a deep reassurance of Your goodness. Thank you Lord for all you do for us, even when we are do undeserving! We praise you.

In Jesus, Amen.

Have you Been Reconciled?

Goodness - the Lord has, and is doing, a mighty work me, especially since my Mom was diagnosed with Stage IV Adenocarcinoma and given just 6-8 months to live.  That was on April 11, 2011 and 4 months later and it’s so amazing to see how God has worked. And…. I've had a front row seat to it all!! And it's been unreal. Remarkable, really.

I am finally allowing The Spirit to stir me up and I at last have the boldness and the tenacity to let my Jesus water spill over onto my family and friends. It's amazing what can happen when someone allows the Spirit to infiltrate their EVERYTHING!!! I'm a life that has been changed because of it.

 Here is a short devotional that I am hoping will make it into my book, when it’s finished. I pray that this will provide you with just a little encouragement and bless you and inspire you in all the right ways and places!!

The Process of Reconciliation

Reconciliation is a process that brings about peace or renewal in a relationship. I like things to be simple, so I came up with a list of what the process of reconciliation consists of:

1. A positive relationship exists

2. A negative or hurtful act is committed by one or both parties

3. One or both parties humble themselves to admit wrongdoing and asks for forgiveness

4. Forgiveness is willfully granted

5. Renewed or reconciled relationship exists

The Word of God gives us many examples of this process of reconciliation. One of my favorite parables follows this process from beginning to end.

If you will just take a look at Luke 15:11-32, you will find the story of the prodigal son. As you read through this passage you can see how it aligns perfectly with the process described above.

1. Luke 15:11, 12 – A father and son relationship exists.

2. Luke 15:13,14 – The son negatively impacts his father by taking his inheritance (a large portion of his father’s wealth/retirement) and wasting it on wild living

3. Luke 15:18, 19 – The son humbles himself and is going to request his father’s forgiveness and the opportunity to become one of his father’s hired servants

4. Luke 15:22 – The father willfully accepts and forgives his son and welcomes him back into the family.

5. Luke 15:24 – The Father and son have a renewed relationship.

This simple story gives us a great example of the process of reconciliation. It includes three aspects that are always involved with reconciliation: humbleness, love, and forgiveness. God desires to have a reconciled relationship with each one of us. In fact, the purpose of Jesus becoming a man and his death and resurrection was so that He could reconcile man’s relationship with God. This is the ultimate reconciliation:

1. God had an intimate relationship with man - Genesis 2:7-25

2. Sin entered the world through disobedience - Genesis 3:11-13, Romans 3:23

3. We must humbly confess our sin and ask for forgiveness – Psalms 51:1-2, Hosea 5:15

4. Jesus is willing to forgive the sins of all those who put their faith in Him – Isaiah 43:25

5. We then enter into a relationship with God which will last for eternity – John 10:27-29

God loves us so much that He put this beautiful process together so that we can have an intimate and fulfilling relationship with Him. He also desires for us to have fulfilling relationships with our family and friends. Jesus consistently preached that we are to forgive not only our friends, but our enemies (Matthew 18:21-22). I know that’s so hard to do at times.  But if God can forgive US, then who are we to think that we are above forgiving others? God has given us the process, but it’s up to us to put it in action!

Ask yourself these tough questions:

Who do I need to forgive today? How can I show them love?

Is there a relationship in my life that God is calling me to reconcile?

For the past 4 months I have spent part of each day with my Mom, and as we have talked about times past and various trials that either she went through or my Dad went through, there is one recurring theme…..forgiveness.  As my Mom has said, what good does it do anyone to be bitter towards someone else?  The person who has hurt or wronged us most likely has forgotten what they did.  Or if not, then they just don’t care.  We can experience the freedom and peace that brings a sweet calmness to our souls only when we mirror what Christ did on the cross and offer forgiveness, freely.

Lord, help me to follow Your example and to not merely PROFESS Christianity, but to POSSESS Your forgiving Spirit.  Remind me that I will never be able to forgive another MORE than what You have already forgiven me……I am nothing by a sinner, saved by grace…Your grace. Thank you sweet Jesus!

The Price is Right- Still Is

I have been burdened for my unsaved family members this week.  I guess as my Mom is getting closer to the end of her life here, I have been drawn to thinking about heaven more….and the path to heaven…which leads me to the only way to heaven….JESUS!!!

As I have been thinking about Jesus this week - who He was, who He still is, His character, His love, His teachings, His deity - I sense myself covering my eyes, shielding my heart, and forgetting what He actually did for me - and for each soul festering on this planet.

I love the easy:
I love to think about Him as Royal....at Christmas for instance. A little baby - born as King. (Luke 1 and 2, etc )

I love to think about Him as Defender ... rebuking the disciples trying to keep the children away - pulling the babes into his lap to bless them. (Mark 10:13-16)

I love to think about Him as Healer - traveling around touching the pain-stricken. Touching them. Does that strike you in your core? It should. His holy hands touched the defiled. The sore-covered. The bleeding..... The dead. We are wise to get the enormity of that. (Matthew 15:29-31, Mark 7:31-37, etc)

I love to think about Him as Deliverer - freeing people of demonic oppression - rebuking and casting out unclean spirits - thwarting their destruction of human hearts with just a word. (Mark 1:32-34, Luke 4:31-37, etc)

I love to think about Him as Teacher - sitting with the multitudes, having compassion on their souls, opening up their lives to the Divine. (Luke 8:4-15, etc)

I love to think about Him as Revealer - answering the door to anyone wholeheartedly knocking down doors to find Him. (Jeremiah 29:13, Luke 11:9)

But Jesus as Sacrifice? -  As tortured, stricken, beaten, crucified? I neglect it - out of ease and ignorance and haughtiness. All too often I look at the cross - I wear it around my neck and I point people to it and write about it....but I never stop to consider the reality of that tree - stained with innocent blood all for the cause of saving my soul. (John 18 and 19, etc)

 Jesus as Payment? As Stand-In? There's no words for that - and yet I still have very few thoughts towards it.

This may be why:
I fail to recognize the enormity and filthiness and number of my sin. I fail to recognize my absolute need for Him in this way. Sure - I can recognize Him as my King, my Protector, my Mender, my Reliever, my Instructor, my Affirmer - but oh, my Atonement? He is that, too. He is that, mostly.

His whole reason for moving among us? Me and you.

What's so incredible about this...audacious even....is that He knew it would be this way. (Isaiah 53) He knew that the one's He came to rescue would spit in His face. He knew that we would fail to grasp the gift He bestowed on us when He died in our place. He knew we would forget, refuse, and shun Him. And He did it anyway.

I've been praying a daring prayer- that He would show me my need for Him - particularly my need for One who is my Sacrifice and Savior. And that He would help me to always take a stand for Him, but to ALSO have the compassion for the lost that I don’t always show.  May it be so - for all of us....that we would get a glimpse of our own sins-pardoned. And that we would see Him, truly. And then that others, would see HIM in US! In our actions, not just our words.

Praying for all of my God-given friends.  I do love each of you!!

My Apology

I feel like a bad blogger.

As I'm going about each day - I think of a zillion topics for blog posts. But since I'm usually smack dab in the middle of either driving 80 miles to work, or 87 miles to my Mom’s after work, or actually working….- the neat little blog post ideas I come up with don't ever come to fruition.
I want so badly to be an inspirational blogger   who regularly writes and shares all the many ideas and happenings that God is allowing me to experience.  I believe that He gave me this desire to write for a reason.  And I also believe that He is allowing my life to have the path it is and has had for a reason.  That reason is to tell the Good News, share how awesome and mighty He is.  So I'm gonna commit to it. I am. Just as soon as I get more than 5 hours of sleep a night.  Spending time with my Mom in her final days just has priority now…but even in the midst of all that we are going through, I see God.  I feel God.  I truly do.  He is in the many kind gestures and acts of kindness that others are showing to us.  It has been so humbling to have so many people reaching out to us…..
So until I am able to be a more faithful blogger I'm gonna leave you with some wise words that have encouraged me over the last few weeks. Enjoy them. I'll be back here in the next few days to post again. Thanks for sticking with me :)"Sometimes we must stop praying for God's work and start doing His work."

"Complacency is a far more dangerous attitude than outrage." - Naomi Littlebear Morena"

"Blessed are those that give without remembering and take without forgetting." - Elizabeth Bibesco

"Hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than anyone expects of you. Never excuse yourself." - Henry Ward Beecher

I've Been Blind to My Blessings

My Mom is in her final days now and I find myself writing more and more trying to capture the moments and put them on paper.   If only I could!  I heard the most amazing speaker from a Focus on the Family broadcast, Kristin Anderson, who wrote “Finding Hope After My Darkest Day.”  All I can say is that the dam that has been holding back all the tears that I have tried to hide my walls of pretend strength came crashing down.

I just am so very thankful for my Mom and for all she did for me and instilled in me.  Most of all, for her Christ-like example that has permeated the core of my being.  I am trying to keep my focus these days on being thankful for what I have been given rather than what I am loosing…..

As I drove to work this morning ....listening to an extraordinary author speak about thankfulness - tears moved down my cheeks in a constant flow of emotion - each tear saying....
 "Lord, I'm so sorry for the ungratefulness I exude."

As she spoke - about death, about grace, about children, about love, about joy, about Jesus..... the overwhelming, yet gentle conviction I felt in my spirit was more than me, or the box of tissues on my car console, could handle. The conviction emptied me....and I emptied the tissue box.

The sorrow I felt for being so ungrateful in the midst of such blessings - made the tears pour forth... and pour forth....and pour forth.

I looked back at myself - my thoughts, my feelings...and my spirit crumbled to pieces. As I turned my attention to the past...to 5 years before...to 5 minutes before - I suddenly realized the ugly and immature web I wove of constant unsatisfaction and ungratefulness. A web, that only caught in it's trap more unsatisfaction and more ungratefulness.

And in that moment - an author much wiser than I - brought to my attention the affliction:

A blindness to blessings.

What's even more startling is that I created the blindness myself. The blessings have always been there. They weren't hidden or twisted or even small - they were in the light, obvious, and larger than life...... It was the sin-darkened, world-tented eyesight I had let myself develop - that tainted my seeing them. The blessings, that is. The bright and many blessings that littered my life.

What the author said of herself is also true of me...

"My default is always unsatisfaction. Always."

And it can't go on this way. My womb has been full too many times....my pantry too stocked.... my family too loving…my mind to educated....my marriage too committed....my bed too soft...my thirst too quenched....my soul too saved - to live wallowing in ungratefulness.

So now...as I wipe the tears and gather the pieces of myself  - I reach up to the One...the Grace-Giver, the Blessing Bringer, the Banisher of Blindness - to pour His grace forth on me. And the thought of His grace pouring forth....again, makes my tears pour forth. And I'm grateful.

The pouring out of me and the pouring in of Him...isn't that what we're after?

So He has me where He wants me. Not sitting at home in front of a computer- but broken in the palm of His hand. And as I lay in a convicted and tired heap in his touch - my eyes are opened. Not only to the dark realities of my ungrateful heart - but to the scars that lay there as well. For the palm that holds me - held the nails that save me. And the grace that drips from those wounds - heals the blindness in me...and the blessings begin to out-do the bitterness.

So as I charge into the everyday  - where life isn't a pretty poem and the Enemy crouches around corners - I realize my default can only be outdone by the out-pouring of Grace.

 And the web of darkness I once wove is torn because of Him. And it leaves me thankful, void of unsatisfaction ... full of Jesus.

You Can Choose Too

There is a song that has truly just captured my heart.  It's "I Refuse" by Josh Wilson.  He expresses so vividly in his song what should be on the minds of those who take the name of Christian.  Christian means to be Christ-like.  What better way to show the love of Christ to others than by reaching out and being the hands and feet of Christ.

I truly believe that when God allows someone with a need to cross my path, and then bring that person and that need back to my mind again and again, that He is speaking loud and clear to me.  "Show my love to them." Often, though, we sit b ack and wait for someone else to do what WE have been called to do.  I am guilty of that myself....but no more.

EVERYTHING I have belongs to the Lord,  NOT just 10%.  ALL OF IT.  I want God to fill my cup up with His blessings each and every day.  If I keep what He gives me today all to myself, then there will be no room in my life for the blessing of tomorrow. 

In the book of James in the new Testament, we are told, " To him who knows to do good, and does not do it, to him it is sin."  I don't know about you, but this girl battles with sin enough  each day without adding anything else to the fight. 

I want God's blessings.  Everyday.  I close with the lyrics Josh Wilson wrote.  Please take a moment and READ them.  What a powerful message. 

Wait?  Put off?  Walk away?  Wait for someone else?  I REFUSE!  how about you?

Sometimes I,
 I just wanna close my eyes
And act like everyone's alright
when I know they're not
.
This world needs God,
but it's easier to stand and watch
I could say a prayer and just move on
like nothin's wrong
But I refuse

Cause I don't wanna live like I don't care
I don't wanna say another empty prayer
Oh I refuse, to sit around and wait for someone else
To do what God has called me to do myself
Oh I could choose not to move
but I refuse.

I can hear the least of these
cryin' out so desperately
and I know we are the hands and feet of You oh God
So if You say move
it's time for me to follow through
and do what I was made to do
and show them who You are
Cause I don't wanna live like I don't care
I don't wanna say another empty prayer
Oh I refuse to sit around
and wait for someone else
to do what God has called me to do myself
Oh I could choose
not to move
but I refuse
to stand and whatch the weary and lost
cry out for help
I refuse
to turn my back
and try and act like all is well
I refuse
to stay and change
to wait another day
to die to myself
I refuse
to make one more excuse
cause I don't wanna live like I don't care
I don't wanna say another empty prayer
Oh I refuse
to sit around and wait for someone else
to do what God has called me to do myself
oh I could choose
not to move

A Blessing in Disguise

It wasn't a choice, I was forced. All stretched out and ready to run, I pushed the play button and nothing happened. After tirelessly trying to get the thing to work, I regretfully decided to run without it. As I started out, I missed my music. I have been jogging and working out with my tunes for over a decade now. I felt like I had lost my running buddy. Without my very loud motivation blasting in my ears, I could hear myself breathing. I could hear my shoes on the pavement.  .Those were not the only sounds I heard though.  What a surprise I was in for!!

As I ran along, I heard birds - tons of them. I heard the huge trees that line our driveway and the gravel path that connects our property to my father in laws  blowing in the wind. 
 I heard the hoofs of dear....5 of them...yes I said 5… I counted! (We have named the deer that live amidst the 32 acres we have the blessing of living on)... scurrying off through the gravel path and trees.  I heard friendly dog barks and neighbors saying hello. Usually, when I'm running and I encounter another person they just smile and wave - because they see I have headphones on. But this time, I was able to exchange a greeting. I heard kids playing; water running in a creek, and cars driving by. (It hadn't dawned on my music filled brain before that not being able to hear approaching vehicles is a safety no-no.) Wow. I had been missing out on a lot of nature's "noises".

But it doesn't stop there. My mind was clearer - more open - more receptive. Even....pure. My form was actually better because I wasn't stopping every 2 minutes to mess with my iPod. I traded the sounds of  pianos, guitars and drum solos for the rejuvenating song of the wild. I could pray and actually get a response. I could think about something other than lyrics. I felt refreshed, free. All while trotting down the road in my Nike's.

That reminds me....Several  months ago my computer died. It was long over due and I'm surprised it didn't happen before it did.  In between reading books, quilting, cleaning, and laundry - I frequented the computer chair. And since we live in the country, and choose not to get a daily newspaper and since  I don’t have friends that are close by,  the internet and Facebook  were my way to “connect” with everyone and catch up.  It's also where I found the good, the bad and the ugly in the news.  

 Until I got that black computer screen staring back at me,  that is. Oh yes, I was frustrated for a few days, but again, I was in for some good stuff. Literally, not having a computer at my fingertips all day long - changed my life. I spent more time reading, writing. I worked on Beth Moore Bible studies and I found that I prayed throughout the day, not just for a few minutes in the morning, or before my eyelids closed at night.  I mean I REALLY prayed. And I changed.  I’d like to think, for the better.

A blessing in disguise. Hmmm. There seems to be a theme here, doesn't there? Strip a girl of her music and her internet and you get a humbled lady more in tune to God than she ever thought possible. A lady that, even though she doubts and questions - can see the handy work of a Creator taking distractions away - and replacing them with none other than.....Himself! And I'll take Him over technology any day :)

To Be Content or Not

Love, consolation and peace bloom only in the garden of sweet contentment." - Martha Anderson

I love that quote. It gets me oh so centered and focused.

I'm not real great at being content. Actually, I'm  probably one of the world’s worst, always thinking that I need this or that to finally get my soul satisfied. But what I'm learning  is that contentment is more of a decision than anything else.

Paul, the writer of Philippians says.... “For I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” - Philippians 4:11-12

I JUST LOVE THAT!!!  Or, as Chonda would say, “ Isn’t that just precious!!!”

 Well, I have decided that I'm gonna pursue a Paul-like passion for contentment and for Jesus.  

1 Timothy 6:6 says, Yet true godliness and contentment is itself great wealth.

Godliness AND contentment. Now that is an unstoppable combination, isn't it? Know what else I'm learning? I'm realizing that I can't create either one of those things on my own - much less both of them. If I could - my ego would be as big as my hips!!!!  Nope. I need God…. His word….. and His people to encourage me on in this contentment quest. I can't do it alone.

" Women of adventure have conquered their fates and know how to live exciting and fulfilling lives right where they are (emphasis mine!). They have learned to reinvent themselves and find creative ways to enjoy the world and their place in it." - Barbara Jenkins

Did you get that?....the "RIGHT WHERE THEY ARE" part?  WOW!!!! That's good.  I mean that is REALLY GOOD!!! And the whole thing about "reinventing themselves".  It makes me wonder.... so what do YOU think those phrases mean..."right where you are" and "reinventing yourself"? Any thoughts? Please, share! (If anyone is reading this!).

Anyway, as I mentioned in my last post - I've been thinking about the upcoming year lately. The year is more than half gone already, and as I was looking back over my list of NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS I saw that contentment is in the top 5.   Boy, have I almost blown it.  I know. It won't be easy. Contentment is a tough one. But oh, what a needed trait it is. Especially for me.  There are so many situations that God has placed in my life  in the past couple of months, that I really need to focus on being content.  Right where I am, with ALL that HE has given me.  I know that it’s so easy to think about what we don’t have, or can’t do, but as Christians we truly have it all.  We just don’t always realize it.

Withered or Watered

Just the other day I was outside watering some patio plants at my Mom's - when the 3 year old grandson of her neighbor decided that he wanted to "hep". I filled up the watering jug for him and he got busy. As I watched, I noticed that he was trying to water the actual flower - not the roots or the soil - and the water was pouring out all over the place. I quickly said, "Honey, you need to water the roots. If you do - the flowers will stay nice and pretty. There's no need to water the actual flower sweetheart. When the roots are watered - the flowers are, too."

And much to my delight - he caught on really quickly. He totally got it.

I got it too.

I've been realizing here lately that my roots need some tending. I need watered. I need to stop focusing so much on all the external things - what people see and such.

Just like those flowers need healthy soil, I need a healthy soul.

Without it, my life will look like those flowers do when I fail to water them - pale, droopy, and lackluster. That's not what I want those flowers to look like - and it's not how I want my life to look either.

My son has a baby boy coming in two months. Yep. I am going to have a grandson- Jacob Thomas...Just typing that makes the reality of it all set in. So I have really been asking the Lord to prepare my heart for him. Even though he will be hundreds of miles away in Texas. Watering my roots.

My son's life is about to change in some major ways with fatherhood. I've been asking God to help me serve my son and meet his needs correctly. Watering his roots.

My husband has been very busy at work and his company is struggling in the economy. I've been praying over the situation daily - asking God for guidance and peace and strength. Watering our roots.

And as I focus on nourishing the soil around here - please know that I'm hoping and praying that your soil is healthy, too.

Encouragement- We All Need It

I love writing.  The idea of putting onto paper the many bit and pieces of thoughts, or words of encouragement that have swelled up from my heart just blesses me.

I have been writing for years.  And I do mean YEARS!!!  When I was in high school, I had an English teacher that always expected the very best from her students, no matter what that “best” was for each.  She had a God-given ability to sense what each of us was capable of, and she firmly, but gently, worked to make sure that she did everything in her power to get us to tap into that potential.

This teacher saw that I liked to write poetry and prose, and she took the time after school on more occasions than I can count, to work with me.  She helped me polish some of my thoughts into shining statements.  She helped me bend sentences and phrases so that my thoughts went in the proper direction. She helped me open my mind so that I could truly see what was inside of me.  I will be forever grateful to her because…she encouraged ME!!

So, since so much of my time has been spent on thoughts that are not really encouraging….as I have shared before, my Mom is dying from cancer…I thought that I needed to write about some of the MANY things that encourage me…things that bring a smile to my face.

I would love to be in the company of a bunch of Jesus-lovin’ women, with a sugar free vanilla iced coffee in hand - talking about what encourages us.... But since that isn’t possible (at least not yet), I thought that I would just share some of my

encouragements here…..

I'm super encouraged by witnessing people do crazy-awesome things with their lives. Things that make a difference. Things that other people have never done because it was considered too difficult.

Things that force the doer to overcome obstacles and beat the odds. Things that would be virtually impossible without faith, tenacity, and endurance.

Witnessing others using the talents God gave them to the fullest - is pretty inspiring.

Seeing people make things happen really gives me the urge to do the same. When we choose to improve ourselves - no matter how small the change is - we are also choosing to improve those around us. And THAT is powerful.

Some other encouragers?????

My husband…..I loved him FIRST. Our falling in love was definitely a God-thing because getting married again after a very painful divorce was NOT a part of MY plan. I am so thankful that it was part of God's plan.  I am definitely one very blessed woman.  My man is not only AWESOME, but he loves God FIRST.  That makes everything else just right!

My boxers…Titus, Tanner and River (Tawny River Girl).  I love my doggies. They love unconditionally.
Sunshine.

Hiking.  I love seeing all the critters and the flowers….some of the most beautiful parts of God’s creation.

Reading the autobiographies and stories of successful people.

Blogs.  I love writing my blog.  Even if no one else reads it.  I write to express what is in my heart and to share my faith and what God has done for me and those I care about.

Coffee.

My Mom's courageous attitude.  She is in the end stages of cancer, and yet she has not lost her spunky personality.  Not amidst the pain, or sleepless nights.  THAT encourages me.  I love her so much.  I miss her already.  I miss so much of what we can’t do together any more.  But I am thankful that she is with me today. I am encouraged by her faith and strength.

Psalm 119.

Warm weather.

Spending time with girlfriends.

Budding flowers in Spring.

Laughter.

Giving to others for no reason other than to give.

Music.

Testimonies…how awesome to hear how lives have been forever changed because of that simple act of faith…trusting in the Savior.

Traveling.

 And hugs...lots of them.  I am a hugger!!
Think about what encourages YOU!

It's Monday

Oh my, another Monday!!!  I used to dread the thought of another Monday.....but not anymore.  I have really had a change in my mindset and attitude as I have gotten older.  I am thankful for each and every day.
Since Mom was diagnosed with cancer, I have felt like the days are passing so much quicker than they did before.  It's been two months since she was diagnosed, and for me at least, it seems like just last week.

I was looking through my journals and found some really sweet Scripture verses as well as some other quotes that have helped brighten many days for me.  So thought that I would share them here, and hope that anyone reading this would get a blessing!


Create in me a clean heart, O God.  renew a loyal spirit within me.- Psalm 51:10

"God loves each of us as it there were only one of us."  Augustine

Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considered important. As a result, no one can ever boast in the presence of God. - 1 Corinthians 1:27-29

"Charasteristics which define beauty are wholeness, harmony and radiance."  Thomas Aquinas

"The good Lord gave you a body that can stand most anything. It's your mind you have to convince." - Vince Lombardi 

The First of Many Lasts

I am not sure when my Mom and I started sharing our "lasts" together.  I have tried to think back to all of the many things that we did together, and capture some of those times that we will not share any more, but I am struggling with that today.

On April 15, 2011, our lives were changed...forever.  That was the day that the doctor told my Mom that she had Stage IV Adenocarcinoma.  Inoperable cancer. She was given 6-8 months to live.  We had no tell tale signs, no forewarning that something of this magnitude was wrong.  Mom had simply found a small knot on her side, by her waist.  It looked like a bump that is left behind when you pull a tick off.  However, this "bump" grew to the size of a walnut in just a couple of weeks.

Her doctor sent her to a surgeon who removed the mass in her office and then called Mom a week later to say that it was malignant.  We still did not think that it was that bad.  After all, Mom felt good, she was still really active and had no complaints other than her back hurting.  But she has metal rods in her back from where it was broken over 20 years ago, so we just attributed the pain to that.

After a CAT scan, PET scan, Mammogram and MRI, we were told the terrible news.  A numbness over took me. Less than a year to live. ( At least that's what the doctor said).  Mom and I cried together and held each other as we tried to wrap our minds around what we had just been told.  Surgery was not an option.  Radiation was.  Chemo was also.

That was 2 months ago, and while my Mom has gone through radiation, we don't know yet the success that she had with that treatment.  Mom has opted NOT to have chemotherapy..  The doctor said it would not make any difference in her life expectancy and the side effects would be very difficult on her.  So Mom decided to forego chemo, and just place her trust in the One True Healer.

There are so many things that I know we will never do again, together.  And that grieves me.  When did that "last" happen?  Why wasn't I aware that it was our "last?"  Karen Kingsbury captures the "LASTS" in a childs life so wonderfully in her book, "Let Me Hold You Longer."

I am trying to capture all the moments spent with my Mom and lock them in my memory...never knowing when it will be our last time to shop, or spend time together just talking about "stuff." 

There is one last that we will NEVER share, and that is the last time we see each other.  You  see, my Mom is going to live forever.  Me too.  Not here in this earthly vessel, but in a body that is just like my Saviors.
My Mom may leave me temporarily....just for a short while, but we will see each other again...and then...no more lasts!!!

The Ugly Omelet

The Ugly Omelet……..I know that you are thinking “What kind of a name is that for a  blog ?”  Well, look at just what makes up an omelet……. First the eggs have to be broken, before   their contents can be used.  Then  the entire contents of the egg are “beaten”  and scrambled together to make something different…something that has been changed and can be used.  After that, other ingredients are added and then everything is placed into a heated pan to cook until the ingredients are set.  Careful attention is given to make sure that the ingredients don’t scorch or burn.  The mixture is then folded in half and removed from the heat and these eggs that were broken and beaten are transformed into an omelet.

That says so much about us.  God takes US, after we have been broken and beaten, puts us in His mixing bowl, adds family, blessings, trials, friendships, and then places us in the fire, all the while, He is watching to make sure that we don’t  get burned.  When we have been in the fire long enough, He takes us out, folds us in two so that all the circumstances and life experiences that we have been cooked with throughout our lives, are included in the new being that He has created. 

“But why ugly,” you may ask…..Well, ugly can be defined as “displeasing in appearance.”  I think that God sees us as being displeasing in appearance until   our brokenness brings us before Him, knowing that He is all we need.  That in Him all things are and will be. He looks at us and sees the dark, ugly corners of our heart.    So very often, we are broken, yet we refuse to let God use that brokenness for His glory.  We have to allow ourselves to be cracked wide open so that all that is in us can be scooped up by God and mixed with His forgives, His grace, His mercy and the blood of His Son. When we surrender to His will and  allow ourselves to be transformed, and used by God Almighty,  then we find that we are able to embrace the past hurts and trials in victory.  We become amazingly aware of His purpose for us.  We can look back and see how He was in control of even the smallest circumstances in our lives.  It is then that we are whole….we become the person that God intended for us to be.  We are eggxactly the way He wants us.

My sole intention and purpose for putting into words what God has laid on my heart, is to bring Him honor and glory.  My life has not always been what it is now.....I have been a very ugly person, and have displeased God more times than I can count...more often than I want to even think about.  I am so thankful that God does not keep track of my wrongs and ugliness.  I am thankful that He loves me enough to forgive me when I come before Him with a broken heart.  I am thankful that He loved me enough to will His Son to go to a cross and die for me.  For MY sins.  For MY wrongs.

If God can use me as an instrument to share His grace, mercy and love with others, then I am again most thankful.  What I will be sharing here in the days to come is meant for one purpose....to draw others closer to the One who can take all the scrambled messes and broken yokes, and turn them into something amazing...something that truly reflects the awesomeness of the One and Only Creator.