MISSED BLESSINGS

Doing the right thing brings with it not only a sense of satisfaction, but blessings that just cannot have a price tag placed on them.

Let me back up a bit……

About 2 months ago I received a bill from the Oncology Center that had treated my Mom during her battle with cancer.  Mom had been placed in hospice care and since her insurance and Medicare were covering those costs, her last  chemo was not covered.  It seems that when insurance is paying for hospice care, which does not TREAT any disease or illness, it will NOT pay for chemo, which is considered a treatment to prolong your life.

My Mom was having chemo and radiation for pain management.  The cancer had spread up her spine and the tumor in her chest was growing and making her voice hoarse and breathing difficult.  We knew that it would not make a difference in her life expectancy.

Anyway, I was billed $4322.17 for that last chemo which I paid.  Never gave it another thought.

The following week I received a bill from the medical facility where we had placed my stepdad during my Mom's final 3 weeks of life.

Richard had been in poor health and bed ridden and because we wanted to have quality time with my Mom, we felt that we needed to move Richard from the home temporarily so that we could have those final weeks with Mom have to worry about caring for Richard.

We had paid for a full month, and Mom died at the end of Richard’s month.  However, since we decided to bring him back home 3 days after the funeral, we didn’t give the medical facility a 2 week notice, and therefore I was charged for a week that he wasn’t there and had to pay $1100. 

Again, I was okay with this.  Not much I could do about it.

Last month I was at the new Kroger shopping and when I got home I was looking over my receipt when I noticed that I had a $50 CREDIT for a “beer tap return.”  Well, I had not taken any beer tap back.  I don’t drink, and even if I did it would NOT be beer!!  I did however get some milk that was in a glass jar and I should have been charged a $2.00 deposit for that jar but I wasn’t...instead I was given a $50 credit in error.

So….I made 2 trips to the Kroger store that next week to see about paying the $52.00 that I actually owed.  None of the managers were available and the two clerks that I spoke with at the customer service desk looked at me like I was from Mars because I wanted to pay that money. I was told "just dont'worry about it." But I did worry about it.

I went back a third time and saw the store manager walking the store.  I was able to show him my receipt and tell him what had happened.  He was amazed that I would come back to pay that $52.00. He asked if he could keep my receipt to use as a training tool and said that it was hard to say how much money I had saved him.

And then he told me he was going to buy my groceries for me that day, and he did.  I had $142 worth of  groceries in my cart  that day!  I was so overwhelmed that I called my husband, crying, to tell him what happened.  I didn't deserve free groceries...I just wanted to do what was right.  What I was SUPPOSED to do.

When I got home I got the mail from the mail box and amid all the junk mail I found 2 envelopes .  One was from the oncology center that I had paid the $4322.17 to.  The check had been returned with a note saying “ There was a mistake, you do not owe this money.” I could not believe this!!!!

Then when I opened the second envelope, I once again found myself in tears as that envelope had a check from the medical care facility that my stepdad had been in with a note saying that I had been overcharged and they were refunding me the overpayment!  I had a check not for the $1100 I had paid but for $1600!  It seems that I had been charged a regualr rate rather than a respite care rate!!!!

Both of these checks were dated the day that I got my groceries and was undercharged $52.00.....Friday, January 13, 2012.

( I should have gone and bought a lottery ticket, huh?? LOL!!)

I share this for one reason……there have been many times when I got too much change back from a cashier, or had something in my grocery bags that I wasn’t charged for and I just thought that I was “lucky.”  I didn’t do what was right.  So how many blessings did I miss out on?  Too many!!!

For me, it was just enough to face that manager and let him know that I needed to pay that $52 back. It was enough to do what was right.  I can’t really put into words the emotions that flooded my being that afternoon.  It would have been all too easy to just forget about the mistake that was made on my receipt that day, but it would have jsut been another test that I failed.

I think that God puts lots of these "tests" in our paths and just sits back and waits to see what we are going to do.  I have failed Him so many times in the past, but what a wonderful feeling it was to know that this was once test that I passed 100%  How sad to think that I have missed out on many other blessings because I made the wrong choice or decided to be selfish rather than self-LESS.  I still wonder about those MISSED blessings!!!

Immeasureable Gratefulness

It's really okay to be joyful.  Gleeful.

Really. It's alright.

It's. All. Right. Because when we enter into the glee of things - we enter into gratefulness.

Lately, the Lord has been whispering to me...... "Enjoy Me."

He knows that I don't. And He knows why. It's not that I don't love Him.  I do.  More than anything or anyone. But it's because my heart is so heavy.

It's the being aware of the sick and the starving and the stricken. It's the waking up to a world with woes. To a world with despair and dilapidation. It's knowing that pictures on calenders are only a portion of the earth's portraits. The others? We couldn't stand to stare at the site of them. While they may not don our walls -  they do dot the earth....snapshots of need and pain and torment....they are real.  It’s on the TV and in the newspapers.  It’s in my small city of Lynchburg.

Hence - the hesitancy to know joy.

But, lately, He's been busting this up for me.

I have been going through my Mom’s house…trying to sort out what to keep, what to give away.  And I found her measuring spoons…the very ones that she used when she made cookies with me and my brother, and then years later, with my two sons.  I remember how giddy with delight they were as their young hands clinch mixing spoons - all ready to stir icing. And the laughter and the squeals as they dove into those bowls of goodness and they enjoyed every lick. Looking back, I can remember the sticky fingers and the smiles on their faces as they proudly displayed the cupcakes they had so masterfully frosted and decorated!   And so the memories from those times past brings joy -and yes - it leads to gratefulness.

And just as I attempt to stop myself - just as I begin putting up the walls to joy because I know others on earth will never have icing cross their lips - and I know other women will never have children graze in their kitchens (though they so long for it) - and I know that despair would love to have some part in my own future (oh, the what ifs).....just as I start to extinguish the fire of joy  - the one I wed walks in.

And he sees me staring at the silver measuring spoons in my hand, tears running down my face and he understands without me saying a word that I have been reminiscing  about times shared with my Mom.  And not just my Mom….but my sons, the joys of my heart.  They are both grown, out of college, have good careers and are doing just fine without me. But how I love to relive those moments and those blessings!!!

Enjoy the blessings. Look for the blessings. Take note of them. Let them bring laughter. Let them bring joy right in. The simple ones...like little boys in Nana’s kitchen having the chance to eat icing. And serious ones....sacred ones....like the joy of knowing Christ. Really knowing Him....it should bring joy! It should bring celebration! Yes!

"Is there a greater way to love the Giver than to delight wildly in His gifts?" - Ann Voskamp in One Thousand Gifts

  I'm so bad at this. I still don't know what it should look like exactly. And I still find myself feeling guilty for having...just having. But I do know He has been whispering it....and I do know He wants me to be grateful, exuberant....inextinguishable - over what He's done for me. Not just materially, but spiritually.

And so yes....I will enter into glee. And He will enter into me and into the moments. And gratefulness will abound. Immeasureable gratefulness!!!

Part 2 of Forgiveness....the Duty of a Christian

Remember...these are my NOTES for my opportunity to share at the Salvation Army.....If any of you would like to come and give me some moral support, I would LOVE that.  I will be posting the date once I get it!!!!!

Point 1: Know that forgiveness is for YOU. On many levels.

   *Level 1: The obvious....He forgives you. Of it all. Yes...of it ALL. Get that.

   *Level 2: It's for your well-being. (Emotionally, Physically, Spiritually, Mentally)

          - As I considered this point, I got another picture in my mind. (Sounds weird, doesn't it?) It was of me....holding a tiny little animal. It was a gross and vile looking little thing. Yet, I was petting it, loving it, protecting it. And I understood that this nasty animals name was 'Unforgiveness'. The problem is....this animal bites.  But it bites YOU, not your offender.

          - Sometimes we believe that holding onto unforgiveness works more to our advantage than being healed of it. But unforgiveness will NOT allow us to have the life we want.

   *It will however, allow us to live a life of torment. Again, on many levels.

          *Emotionally: Unforgiveness can cause bitterness, depression, anger, fear, resentment, etc

          *Physically: Unforgiveness can cause high blood pressure, disease, heart problems, etc

(These ailments can derive from other sources as well - but we all too often overlook the effects of our inner turmoils on the human body.)

   *Jimmy Evans quote: "The poison of unforgiveness damages the vessel it is stored in worse than anything you can spit it on. It's killing you. The most self-loving thing you can do is forgive."

Point 2: Know that forgiveness is for THEM. (Your offender.)

   *Spurgeon quote: "He who grows in grace remembers that he is but dust...he overlooks 10,000 of their faults, because he knows his God overlooks 20,000 in his own case."

(Warning: We forgive people unfixed...before they act like they deserve to be forgiven. However, forgiving doesn't mean we go back and expose ourselves to abuse. Sometimes, we have to forgive from afar. In addition, if you are married and experiencing any type of abuse or danger....get to safety and seek wise, godly counsel.)

   *Sometimes our forgiving them - will eventually bring them to salvation. Seeing a heart change in us - can, at times, make them seek the Heart Changer, themselves.

   *Matthew 6:9-15 (The Lord's Prayer.) Notice verse 12: 'Forgive us our debts...as we have also forgiven our debtors.' And then notice verses 14 and 15: Look what Jesus decided to expound upon. He could have explained any part of the Lord's Prayer - but He chose to dive deeper into our topic. Forgiveness is for them...because it circles back to you.  Your forgiveness, depends on your forgiveness.

   * We can't withhold grace from others and get it from God. Life without grace from God is torment. (See emotional and physical ailments mentioned in Point 1.)

Point 3: Know that forgiveness is FROM HIM.

   * We have a tendency to think, "if only my offender would show true repentance....then I could fully forgive." Or sometimes we think, "If only I could give them a piece of my mind...then I could fully forgive." Both...are lies. The sting of what our offenders have done to us - will usually overpower their remorse (or your revenge) for it. Our offender, no matter what, can't make us forgive from the heart. The only way to reap a harvest of forgiveness is by His power alone.

   *Revisit Chapter 10 of Hosea. The whole chapter is about the Lord's people having false hearts...having thorns and thistles in their fallow ground. Verse 12... is God's prescription for His people. It's His council for those with hard hearts.

   * He is capable. He is capable of healing our hearts, of helping us extend forgiveness to those who don't deserve it, of breaking up our hard ground and reaping a harvest of forgiveness in us. US....broken, wounded, afflicted, tainted women like you and me.

I am so looking forward to sharing this with the women at the Salvation Army . It's an honor to serve them and I am so thankful that God is giving me the privilege to do this.  I am so humbled to think that He TRUSTS me enough to share HIM with others!!!!  May He spur us onward in faith and in forgiveness. His Best to each of you!!!!

Forgiveness....the Duty of a Christian

Sometimes we strangle ourselves and we aren’t even aware of what we are doing.

Years ago a tree was dying in my parent's yard, and my Dad couldn’t understand why.  There weren’t any parasites, it had been getting plenty of water and sunlight.... But  still it was dying.  As my Dad began to dig the tree up he noticed that it's very own root was wrapped around itself.  All twisted and tight and blocking goodness. He was able to unwrap the root somehow and as the weeks past we noticed that the tree was thriving.  In fact, nearly 35 years later, that tree is still living in the front yard of my childhood home.

So, as I think about this tree - how its own appendage of sorts wrecked havoc on its life.  How on the surface - the vicious tangled mess went unseen but under the dirt- deep down, compressed and silent - the tree's very own ways just about caused its own demise.

In that tree - I see this woman.  Me.

Hello, friends!!  I mentioned in my previous post that I had been writing notes for my speaking opportunity at the Salvation Army, so I thought that  I would scribble out a blog post containing some of my notes on the top that I have chosen-Forgiveness - and I'm here to deliver. I'll post half of my notes today and half on my next post -for lengths sake.

The story above was my intro. May the Lord stir all of us into a deeper, more real, more meaningful and steadfast walk with Him.

(I will ask you in advance to forgive the randomness of these notes. What I have written was meant to be spoken….so it may not flow the way I am hoping it does when I actually share!!!!)

***********************************

*I too have a root that threatens to strangle me....it's called unforgiveness.

*None of us would have to go far for material on this topic. We all know pain. We all have wounds. And we all need healing.

*Unforgiveness has a harvest. It's a diseased and a corrupted one...but it has a harvest.  However there is Good News.  And what is that Good News? Forgiveness has a harvest, too - a good, fruitful one.

*Hosea 10:12 - Sow for yourselves righteousness. Reap steadfast love. Break up your fallow ground. For it is time to seek the Lord - that He may come and rain righteousness upon you.”

       - 'Break up your fallow ground' - that's what we need to start doing right now.

       - 'Fallow' in the Hebrew is 'niyr' - it means hard, untilled ground, yes - but iti has NOT been tilled YET, but it still is tillable!

       - Notice how the Lord provides. He tells us in the first lines 'sow righteousness, reap love' and then He says, 'seek Me....and I will provide the ability to do that for you, child.'

       - His power alone is the only way we forgive....from the heart. The Forgiver Himself, alone.

*I began prepping this talk by asking, "God, what do you want to teach me about forgiveness?" And I instantly got a very clear picture in my mind:

       - It was the front of my body....with my torso opened up to expose my heart and belly.  And I understood that the heart and belly I saw were healthy. And the Lord whispered, "Kim, I want you to know forgiveness HERE. In your depths. In those places only I can see and only you can feel, child. Through and through. And by the way, the only way you can have this is by ME."

       - Forgiveness is a heart issue.

*Luke 6:37-38: Judge not and you will not be judged; condemn not and you will not be condemned; forgive and you will be forgiven; give and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.

       - Notice the word 'lap'. That's the ESV version. The NKJV uses the word, 'bosom'. Both words are translated from the Greek word, 'kolpos'. (Now keep in mind the vision the Lord gave me before I ever cracked open the scriptures on this topic.) The word 'kolpos' means: the front of the body between the arms. Is the Lord not confirming that He yearns for us to know forgiveness in. our. hearts? In our inner most places? Indeed, He is.

 I find this so very amazing….just like God to plant His thoughts into our minds so that when we are reading and studying His Word, that we have this wonderful confirmation.  I think of it as His conversation with me….and friends, that is so special!!!

*Luke 6:45: The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.

     - Notice the 'of the heart' in this verse....the Lord speaking it yet again.

     - Before we can mean forgiveness in our faces, before we can speak it with our mouths, we have to mean it in our hearts.

     - God's calling everyone to forgiveness - from the heart. He's made it clear.

*At this point you may be thinking, "Okay, I get it. The Lord wants us to know forgiveness in the deep...in the heart. But what does this look like? How do we go about doing this?"

Good question.

Won't you check back real soon for part two? To find out what God has revealed about this whole forgiveness challenge? Oh, please do. Because He has done some revealing, friends! Until then, seek His face and you'll find it.

My Request for Prayer

I have a simple request….please keep me in your prayers.

Ya see, I was asked to call The Salvation Army on behalf of my ABF ( Adult Bible Fellowship) class at church, as our class wants to get involved on a regular basis with an outreach ministry of some kind.  So, I called the Salvation Army and after talking with the lady there for over 30 minutes she asked me if I would be willing to come and be a part of a time of sharing with the women who are at the Center for Hope.

I felt lead to accept her invitation and guess what I'm speaking on....forgiveness. Come to find out...the Lord has a lot to say on this topic. To me especially, it seems :)

(If you don't want to be messed with in a certain area - don't teach on it. God knows the only way you can effectively, lovingly, and humbly speak something - is if He has spoken it to you - and you have been in need of it.)

And let's just say - He has been doing a lot of speaking.  A LOT!!!

So kind friends, as I prepare for this opportunity - would you go to the throne with me in prayer? Oh - I do need for it to be lifted up. Forgiveness is a deep, unworldly, anti-cultural thing. It's a serious thing. A God thing. And so prayers lifted up on behalf of all the ladies attending - is much needed. And prayers are never wasted on this lady, either.  Heaven knows that I need all the prayer support I can get.  But then we all do, don’t we?

I have been writing my notes for several days now, and will most likely post them here, in case anyone happens to read them, and can offer suggestions for making what I want to say better.

Love and grace and laughter and joy and peace and contentment and faith and warm hugs to you all.

"The call to follow Christ always means a call to share the work of forgiving men their sins. Forgiveness is the Christ-like suffering which it is the Christian's duty to bear." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Oh, Lord, we all need your help with this!!!

Missing Mom

It seems like years since I have written....when it's actually only been a couple of weeks.  The last "creative" writing I did was a tribute to my Mom...Dorothy Young, who lost her 5 month battle with cancer on Septmeber 12, 2011.  I lived at her home, taking care of her the last 3 weeks of her life, and even though it was so heartbreaking to be there, it was also the most rewarding time of my life.

Tomorrow will be 3 weeks since we laid Mom's body to rest....and I still have not been able to wrap my brain around the fact that she is gone.  I guess that's because I am staying so busy that I just don't have time to think.....

Well, I wanted to share just a little about my Mom, because she is responsible for molding me into the woman that I am today.  She did that through love, sacrifice and PRAYER.  Without my Mom, I cringe to think of where I would be, as I was somewhat of a prodigal in my earlier years.  But thank GOD, and I truly mean THANK G-O-D for answering my Mom's prayers.....

Mom and I were on the way home from her last chemo treatment on July 18, 2011 when she asked me if I would write her obituary.  I joked with her, as I just didn't want to think about doing that.  So I told her that yes I would be glad to, as I would finally get to tell everyone what she was really like!!!  We both laughed...but in reality, that is just what I did.  I was able to share with others about the wonderful woman that my Mom was.  And that's what I want to do here.  I want to honor my Mom and God by sharing a part of her with anyone who reads this.

As I was looking through some of my Mom's belongings in her nightstand the day after she died, I found a journal that she had started on January 1, 2011.  She only had 3 entries, and while I was puzzled as to why she stopped writing, I was also amazed at the words she had penned.

The first entry on January 1, 2011 read simply...."Last year was one that I am glad is gone. Looking forward to a better year."

The second entry on Janyary 7, 2011 read, "It's a cold day and I am content to sit in front of the fireplace with Abbott," ( her dog) "and just have a lazy day."

The last entry on February 6, 2011 said," There will be times in our lives when adversity will  be unavoidable.  The loneliness that comes form being misunderstood doesn't have to isolate us.  God knows how to meet our every need.  Suring our "Gethesemane moments" he drops His wonderful principals into the soil of our lives.  As He waters our hearts with the truth of His Word, something wonderful transpires.  We begin to see just how valuable we are to Him and how He uses each sorrow to draw us closer to Him."

Wow!!! I never knew that my Mom could express thoughts like that.  No wonder I love writing...God didn't start this desire to share with others with me.....He started it with my Mom. 

I found something very similar that I had written after I found out that Mom had cancer.....I wrote..
"Sometimes we ask, "God why have You allowed this heartache?"  His answer, "I allow this and other painful trials to brush against your life so that you will know that My purpose is far greater than you can imagine." It is in times of trial and adversity that God purifies and shapes our hearts and lives so that we can reflect His grace to others.  The key to facing heartache and difficulty victoriously is knowing that God is in control of our life and circumstances.  Sometimes suffering is the only way for God to accomplish His purpose in our lives.

My Mom loved the Lord and it was because of her faith and trust in Christ that she was able to walk the path that God chose for her life.  She had many trials and heartaches in her 80 years, and while she may have voiced her concerns or shared what was going on, she never compalined about the circumstances that God allowed to be a part of her life.  She had that amazing faith and trust that God was using each and every situation for her good.  Her circumstances became stepping stones rather than stumbling blocks and that was because of her attitude.  She chose to see the good in situations and people. She chose to overlook mistakes.  She chose to demonstrate tue Christian love to those in her life, even if it came at her own expense. She placed other first over and over again.

Mom kept her priorities as God wanted them, so God was first in her life and then her husband  and then her children. She was a goldy wife and a woman who only not only loved but who showed compassion to others even at times when I felt that it was not deserved.

But then what do I deserve?  I certianly do not deserve the love and forgiveness of a holy righteous God.  But He gives that to me.  And so many times I have thought that I didn't deserve a mother who never gave up loving and praying for me when I was a prodigal in my own way.  God gave me a mother who lived her life as a testimony of what it means to be a Christian.  When God placed people with needs in Mom's path she chose to do what God wanted her to do rather than wait for someone else to come along and do it.  Her actions spoke volumes about the woman she was, and I am so very proud to be her daughter.

The past 5 months that I had with my Mom are times that I would not trade anything in the world for.  No, they weren't all good, but each and every moment I learned more and more about my Mom and the woman that God chose for my mother.  In learning more about her, I also learned more about God and His grace and tender mercies.  My Mom loved as Christ would have each of us to love...unconditionally.  She was an example to all who knew her of what it meant to WALK the life of a Christian. 

I miss my Mom so much, but I know that I will see her again.   She had that relationship with Christ, and I am so thankful that I do too.  And then finally...no more tears!!!

Prayer...What Are You Waiting For

One of my Facebook friends, who I went to high school with, had a post today about prayer.  I have been really burdened in the past few months to “pray without ceasing.” My Mom and stepdad are both in hospice now.  And my family needs prayer for so many reasons.  Since becoming a true believer of Jesus Christ, I have experienced some of the most awesome answers to prayer.  Answers that would give you goose bumps and chill you!   I find that when I pray I am drawn closer to the heart of God, and that’s where I want to be…..as close to His heart as I can get.

Even though I have been a believer for several years, and have taken prayer seriously, I'm just now beginning to understand this as a discipline. The bigness of it. The effects of it. The privilege of it.

There are so many awesome scriptures on prayer….so many quotes by really wonderful people on prayer…..so many good pray-ers. No one really needs me to write a blog post on it.

But here lately, I have been finding so much joy in praying. Instead of it being a monotonous ritual or an anxiety filled plea - it's become more of a communing. It's something I crave. Something I need. Not something I dread. Not something I fear. It's also been more about intercession. That is, praying for other people - interceding for them. I have found so much satisfaction in this. Excitement, even! I've discovered that praying for another person's needs causes a fountain of love and contentment to well up inside - causing the tumult within my own heart to cease. I know that sounds cheesy but it's true.

Right now, outside the bedroom window at my Mom’s house, there is a gazing globe sitting on a stand that is secured in the ground. It has become my daily focal point, if you will. When I look in the globe I can see behind me and all around me. When I am out walking Abbott, my Mom’s canine child, I always go by the gazing globe and stare at it to see just what I can see around me. Things that I might otherwise miss. And when I am sitting with her in her room, I peer out the window into the globe. It serves as a reminder that there is a whole world of people that I can’t see,  so many needs of others that I miss or that go un-noticed…by me, not by God. There are people who are missed, those who need the love and compassion of Jesus. And it reminds me to pray for them. It's powerful.

What can I pray about for YOU? Please take me up on this. It would be my pleasure to lift you up in intercession. I'm setting aside some extra time just to pray for you. Take courage in that!  I have also joined PRAYBOOK, which interfaces with Facebook.  Any of you who are my FB friends, will be getting messages from me about  once a week, as I am given a random selection of my FB friends to pray for each day, so that in the course of a week, I have prayed for each FB friend specifically.

I'll leave you with some wisdom far richer than anything I could ever conjure up! Be blessed, friends - and know that you are loved....and prayed for!

Pray without ceasing. - 1 Thessalonians 5:17 ( this is part of my life’s verse..”Be joyful always, pray continually, IN ALL circumstances, give thanks, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

"I am so grateful I did not wait until I was perfect or had everything straight before praying for others, otherwise I would never have begun." - Richard Foster

Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know. - Jeremiah 33:3

"Understand that praying is more than bowing your head and saying your prayers. Your whole life can be a prayer." - from Checklist for a Woman's Life

And I will pray the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He made abide with you forever. - John 14:16

 Lord, lead me in prayer. Meet me in prayer. Teach me how to pray. Let the Spirit pray through me. Bring people and things to my mind that you want prayed for. And let me heed the call. Please bless everyone who stops by my blog with a deep reassurance of Your goodness. Thank you Lord for all you do for us, even when we are do undeserving! We praise you.

In Jesus, Amen.