I have been gone for so very long. Between the emails, and my journalling, I just didn't feel that I could tell my hurts or my stories again. But now, I realize by looking at the meager content here, that it's ME who has missed so much by sharing. Even if no one else reads this, it does me good to express what is overflowing in my heart.
There has been so much that has happened in the 10 months since my last blog.
On June 6, 2012, my stepdad died after being at the Hospice House for 7 months. I still had not fully accepted my Mom's death in September, and was dealing with her estate, when Richard's estate and personal matters were handed to me.
The following week my sister in law relapsed into the pit of cocaine addiction and the same week, her son, Eric, who was 15, ran away.
August 3, 2012, Keith and I find his father, James Payne, stabbed to death in his home. Three days later we find out that Vincent Spinner, his son in law,( the husband of Keith's sister), has been arrested and charged with the murder. ( As of today, he has been charged with capital murder, although no trial date has been set).
Because Keith's father was the CEO of the company, and had secured all the bonding and financing in his name, Payne Construction came to a standstill, leaving Keith without a company....a job....an income.
There have been other valleys in our lives as well, but there have also been some mountaintops.
Through each and every situation all I have been able to get out of my mouth has been-
"Lord, I need You to help me with THIS."
I find that even today, I am breathing those same words......."Lord, help me with this ache."
I am so very burdened for my children, my grandchildren....
The world today is not the safe haven it was when I grew up. We never locked our cars, or homes.
I walked blocks alone to go to a friends house, and often my parents dropped us off at the mall alone, even as very young teens.
I had no fear of being shot in school. My parents didn't worry about a neighbor molesting me or me being kidnapped. Children respected their parents, and children actually knew WHO both of their parents were!! Divorce was rare. Violence was foreign to me. And yet, today,so many of the youngsters in our nation live without both parents, feel entitled, have no respect or even fear of condequences, and those who do, need to be taught to fear others. I find that so sad.....so overwhelmingly heavy. What future do my grandchildren have?
Think about the responsibilities that we have as parents and now, grandparents. It can be overwhelming, and yes maybe even a bit daunting. Just think about it. We have these small, wonderfully created people that we are going to totally responsible for......for their each an every need. As parents and grandparents, we will be their guide, their example, their everything. And if we falter on a regular basis, if we are not firmly rooted in God's word so that we can stand strong, our sweet babies are gonna be the ones who suffer the ill effects.
THAT is some kind of pressure!!!! The kind of pressure that I need the Lord to help me with.
Add to that the role of wife. We areour husband's soul mate. Their helpmate.Their prayer partner. Their accountability partner. Their love. We offer support, encouragement, advice and understanding. Wow!!! What a responsibility????!!!! A huge responsibility, but what a rewarding one as well.
So, even now, as I sit here typing this, I breathe, "Lord, please help me." I don't want my heart and mind filled with doubts and fears. I want to know that my Creator is working all things for good as he watches me throughout my day. I want to know that my Provider is seeing to all my needs for today. I want to know that my Savior is forgiving me for thoughts, words and deeds that have permeated my heart. I want to know that my Rock is holding me up when all I feel is weakness. I want to know that my Comforter will bind up the raw edges of my heart that ache for those hurting and suffering....those who are mourning...those who have had their lives forever changed through senseless tragedies and Evil.
Lord, as long as I know that YOU ARE, I will not be afraid.
But more than anything...
"Lord...help me to know that You are holding me...watching me breath..watching me drift in and out of my day - watching me look up - just to see if You are still there. Help me to confidently close my eyes - and KNOW that You are. Because just knowing that - will help me out with it all."
