Taking Your Heart by Force

This has been a very difficult week for me.  Emotionally I feel drained.  Physically, I am exhausted.  And mentally….well  I’ll just say that there are  lots of thoughts floating around in the area above my shoulders, and I am not sure that anything needs to be floating around in there.

My stepdad was buried June 13^th…..my sister inlaw has succumbed to her drug addiction after 3 years of being clean, and has abandoned her husband, son and home….my nephew, Eric who is 15, thought that he needed to escape from his mother’s inability to love him and so he ran away.  We have heard nothing from him in 3 days.  My husband’s company is fighting to stay open, but it seems that this is one battle that my husband won’t win.  So, yes my mind has lots of floaters!!!!

But God is always so  “on time” and amazing that He brought my focus to this passage of Scripture in 2 Corinthians, that I am sure you are very familiar with:

"For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:3-5

I know that I must have heard this verse dozens of times over the course of my first few years as a Christian. But to be perfectly honest, it is not one I applied to me or my life.  Therefore I spent a great deal of time feeling defeated and discouraged.

After my Mom’s cancer diagnosis, in April 2011, I spent so much time praying and reading inspirational books various devotions, trying to some kind of relief from the hurt and pain that had consumed me, that God was able to  convict my heart about how I would read His Word but not apply it to my own life. It’s like I believed God was speaking, but just not speaking directly to my own heart.

Now I am one that will literally carry on a conversation with God.  And so I just came right out and asked Him, “ Lord, what does that even really mean...taking my thoughts into captivity? It sounds like it’s awesome and beneficial, but just what does that mean for me?"

This is what He showed me. When looking up the word captive in Webster's Dictionary, I was totally blown away by two of the definitions. One was "not able to act independently." The other attention grabbing definition was "obliged or forced to listen, whether wanting to or not."
Not able to act independently. Forced to listen whether wanting to or not. That’s me! But isn’t that just how we all are?  

There are  thoughts that are so destructive, so defeating, that I cannot let them just wander around in my head, wreaking havoc, stealing joy, destroying hope, doing whatever they want to do. I actually have to stop those thoughts and force them to listen. You know, kind of like when you have to stop your child who is running wild and won't listen...grabbing their precious little cheeks with two hands, getting in their face, and saying, "You. Will. Listen. To. Me. Now."

Of course, it's important to remember what you are forcing your heart to sit down and listen to...or rather Who. You are taking every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ. Jesus. Your heart needs to listen to (and obey) Jesus.

It's not mustering up your own strength. It's not fighting your thoughts with other nicer thoughts. Our weapons aren't carnal. We aren't fighting flesh with flesh. We are using God's Word and His truths to address lies and discouragement. His Word is mighty and powerful..”sharper than any two-edged sword…”

So this week I am struggling, as I said but I realize that I have a few choices:
-I can just try to ignore the destructive thoughts.
- I can try to tell myself to just get over it, to just think happy thoughts.
- I can force those thoughts to listen to God's truths, whether they want to listen or not!

And that "whether they want to listen or not" is so HUGE for me. Sometimes it just seems easier to stay discouraged. To live in defeat. Sometimes we just want to be good and mad. Sometimes we want to throw ourselves a big ol' pity party complete with chips and a bowl of M&M's, thank you very much. But what a miserable place to be.

I love how Renee Swope actually phrased it in her devotion the other day. She called it "bossing her heart."  I was so excited when I read that because it was exactly what God had been showing me with 2 Corinthians 10:3-5!

I'm not even totally sure how to end this post today. My heart is struggling this week. My mind is cluttered with things it just doesn't need to be cluttered with. And the above post is what I know I need to do about it. My pride wants to have it all together. I like having it all together. But I don't have it all together. And I can't get myself together myself. And that's such a good thing, really. It keeps me dependent on Jesus. It keeps me from becoming too impressed with myself...and anyone else from becoming to impressed with me. :)

ANYWAYS, I, too, need to be bossing my heart today. :) And I thought I would share because God's Word is AWESOME! God is awesome! I thought maybe someone else would love this, too. Every heart needs to be forced to listen from time to time. My heart...I'm thinking it may need it more than most.

The Impossible Prayer

The past few months my hands and heart have been full.  But full of good things.  Initially, I would not have thought they were all good, but in hindsight, I can see that they indeed were very good.

Last Wednesday at 6:45pm my stepdad died at the Centra Hospice House in Lynchburg, where he had been a resident since November 2011.  Richard had surpassed all expectations and predictions that the medical staff had made, as he moved to Hospice House with ony 3 months of expected life.  However, God had a plan for Richard, and until it was carried to completion, his days on earth would not come to a close.

I spoke at my stepdads funeral yesterday and it was difficult.  As long as Richard was still living, a part of my Mom was too.  She loved Richard unconditionally and to this day I can't understand how a woman could be so devoted to a man who did not return what was poured into him on a daily basis.

Richard was a man who was difficult to be around most of the time.  However, I beleive that God allows our lives to cross paths with others for a reason.  A Divine purpose.

I never had the chance to get to know Richard really well.  He and my Mom met in Florida where my parents had moved several years before.  My Dad died in 1999 and Mom and Richard married in 2004.  WHile I went down for the wedding, and had a few days to get familiar with my "stepdad", I didn't really get to know him until April 2011 after my Mom's Stage IV cancer diagnosis.

From the day that Mom was diagnosed, until the night she died, my husband and I were at her home every day.  I would leave work in Charlottesville, drive to their home in Forest, and spend the night.  I would leave their home the following morning at 6am and drive back to work.  Keith came over every evening and would either bring dinner or I would cook dinner for all of us.

It soon became apparent from the TV shows Richard watched, from the books he read, from the words that came out of his mouth, and from his total disregard for praying  and his refusal to even participate in the blessings at meal time, that he did not share my Mom's love for the Lord.

Keith and I were burdened for Richard.  We shared our concerns with my Mom, and she told us as well, that she also feared the same.  There was no way that Richard could have that sweet, saving relationship with Christ, and NOT demonstrate any Christ-like characteristics.  Nothing about him demonstrated that love for God.

So Keith and had Richard placed on prayer lists, and we had over a dozen different friends and family members try to share with Richard how different life could be with a relationship with Christ.  Richard wanted NOTHING to do with anything anyone tried to share, and he made it very clear that he was NOT going to listen to their foolishness.
I got mad.  So did my Mom, but her anger dissipated.  Mine did not.  It buried itself deep in the corner of my heart and stayed there creating a small root of bitterness.

I journal daily.....I blog when I want a more permanent record of what is on my mind and in my heart.  As I was reading over my journal entries from last August, when I was preparing what I wanted to share about Richard, I found the following entry on AUgust 19, 2011:

Mom knows that the cancer is winning the battle but she is still fighting.  She asked Keith and I if we would keep Richard at home as long as we possibly could after she was gone.  I told her we would, but I am not sure that I really meant what I said.  I don't know how Mom puts up wioth a man who never truly loved her or respected her.  Not the way a husband SHOULD.  Not the way Keith loves and respects me.

I know that I need to pray for a change in my heart.  And I need to pray for Richard.  It just seems like it's the impossible prayer. 

This evening I read the following in my devotions-  "On the day the Lord gave the Israelites victory over the Amorites, Joshua prayed to the Lord in front of all the people of Israel.  He said, "Let the sun stand still over Gibeon and the moon over the valley of Aijalon."  So the sun stood still and the moon stayed in place until the mation of Israel had defeated its enemy." 

This passage of Scripture tells me one thing,,,,even the impossible prayer needs to be prayed.  Prayer released power and even as I pray the seemingly impossible prayer for Richard's salvation, I believe that with God all things are possible.

My Mom died 3 weeks later and Richard stayed at home until it was just impossible for us to provide for all of his needs.  God opened up a bed at the Centra Hospice House and in November we moved Richard in there.  At the time he moved in he ws given just 3 months to live.

What a picture of grace and mercy I saw as week after week Richard continued to do well.  I believed that God was extending Richards life for one reason only.....giving him time to come to Christ.  I felt that once Richard came to that decision, he would be taken home.  But I wondered just how patient GOd would be with a man who shook his fist in the face of the Almighty.

My friend, Pat, who had been a caregiver for my Mom and Richard, went with me often to visit Richard.  The first few visits, Richard was his usual self.  Crude, somewhat vulgar and asking for some girlie magazines!  Nothing had changed.

Each time I would visit with Richard I would let him know as I was leaving when I would be returning...we soon developed a very scripted dialogue that continued unchanged for many, many weeks.

ME- Richard, I will see you in a few days.
RICHARD- I may not be here when you come back
ME- Where are you going?
RICHARD- To hell if I'm not careful.
ME- Richard, hells is real, but so is heaven.  It's gonna be one or the other.  It's your choice.

 By March Richard's hard exterior seemed to be thawing a little. He would take my  hand when I came to visit.  He would ask about Keith and work.  He was interested in what we were doing.  This time when I was ready to leave our dialogue was a bit different:
ME- Richard, I'll be back in about a week.
RICHARD- I haven't been feeling well, so I'm not sure how much longer I'll be here.
ME- Where are ya going?
RICHARD- I think I'll see Dorothy.
ME- Richard, MOm's in heaven.  Are you ready for heaven?
RICHARD- I hope so
ME- Richard, you don't have to hope, you can KNOW FOR SURE.

I left it at that and called the hospice chaplin to let her know that RIchard seemed to be having a change of heart.

That night as I was doing my vdevotions I read Psalm 116"1,2  " I love the Lord because He hears my prayers for mercy.  Because He bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath."

God was not only working in Richard's heart, but he was working in mine as well.  That anger that I had allowed to fester  in my heart and grow into that root of bitterness....well I did a litle heart surgery that night and removed it. I knew that I had to look to Christ for perspective and for the power to forgive and for on.

God used Richard to teach me about forgiveness and hope....
I will never be able to forgive anyone any more than what I have ALREADY been forgiven.  God does NOT command us to JUDGE others, but He DOES command us to LOVE others. 

When I forgave Richard I was released from being a prisioner...I no longer had to keep my hands tightly clenched around that hurt.  And I was able to see CLEARLY the man my mother loved so dearly.

I realized that perhaps the truest grace is not to forgive, but to have never found fault.

Richard also taught me about the importance of holding on to hope.  All of those friends and family I mentioned earlier who shared with Richard...well, each of them planted a seed...each of them offered Ricahrd hope.  Each of them prayed that Richard would find that peace and comfort that can only come from a saving knowledge of Christ.  We never gave up HOPING for Richard.  Hope is FAITH in the future tense.

God surrounded Richard at Hospice House with godly, loving, caring people who were dedicated to making sure that his last months and weeks were as comfortable and enjoyable as possible.

The last time that I had any real meaningful conversation with Richard was on May 12th.....just 3 weeks prior ro his death.  As I was leaving we once again went through our conversational dance.....
ME-  Richard, I will be back in a week or so.
RICHARD- I hope I'll be here
ME- Where do you think you're going this time?
RICHARD- To see Dorothy
ME- Are you ready?
RICHARD-  I sure am!!!!!

Thank you God......I left that afternoon floating on a cloud of joy.

I went to see Richard on June 2, but he was sleeping.
On June 5th I got a call from the hospice nurse telling me that Richard had entered the active dying phase.  Keith went over to stay during the day, and I called Brenda, Richard's daughter, and his sisters.  I went over after work and Richard was unresponsive.  I could shake his  shoulder and call his name, and his eyes would flutter open for just a few seconds before closing again.  He had not eaten or drank anything all day.

I knew Richard could still hear me, so I bent over his bed and talked to him.....
"Richard, you know heaven is real.  Mom is there waiting for you.....I truly believe that you finally got it settled.  But I just wanted to make sure........"  So I read 1 John 5:11, 12, I read Romans 5:8....for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God....I read Romans 6"23..for the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Chirst Jesus our Lord.....and I read Romans 10:13....for whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.

I told Richard I loved him and that he had fought a long, hard fight, but he could rest now.  I left his room with one final goodbye.."Richard, i will see you again..."

Richard died the following evening at 6:45pm just as I had pulled into the Hospice House parking lot.....I think Richard must have known I was coming and he wanted to leave before I had the chance to pester him again!!  I think he was in a hurry to see my Mom again!

Answers to prayers are divine, not human.  They come from heaven.  I will no longer think rationally when I pray. My God has not limits or boundaries.  From now on I will eagerly pray the impossible prayers knowing that God will answer.

Time to Change

One year ago today my Mom received her cancer diagnosis.  Five months later she was gone.  Five months to the day.  So, today also marks 7 months since my Mom died. Where has the time gone?  It just seems like last week that we were getting the news from Dr. MacNeil that would forever change our lives.

 I remember so vividly sitting in the room with my Mom when the bombshell exploded.  Even now a year later, all I remember are snippets of what we were being told…only 6 months live…surgery not an option…pain management only….aggressive form of cancer.  The changes ahead…there would be so many…some painful, others heart wrenching, and yet I knew that God would work all things for good.

I spent my time driving into work this morning from Lynchburg to Charlottesville, thinking back over the past year and how my life changed.   I’d like to believe it has been for the better.  So much of what I thought was important just slipped by the wayside, as I tried to spend every minute possible with my Mom.   However, there was a time several years ago that my life changed.  In fact, I had a total mind and soul makeover!!!

My Scripture verse this morning came from Luke 15:7 where it says, “ In the same way, there is more joy in heaven over one lost sinner who repents and returns to God than over ninety-nine others who are righteous and haven’t strayed.” That really hit me between the eyes.

Jesus would always tell those who were in sin to “go and sin no more.”  He never asked them if they were sorry for what they had done or if they felt bad about their actions.  He simply told them to change.

I know that I am probably like most people in that I truly feel bad for doing or saying something that I regretted or that caused trouble, for either me or others.  However, the hard lesson for me to learn was that repentance is NOT just being sorrowful for getting caught.  It’s experiencing so much heartache and humiliation for what we have done that we are willing to do WHATEVER it takes to change our ways and turn our lives and hearts over to God.

I was like most people in that I was unwilling to repent until I hit bottom.  It doesn’t have to be that way for anyone, and it sure didn’t have to be that way for me.  God sends plenty of messengers to show us a way of escape.  However, most of us, my self included here BIG TIME, refuse to acknowledge that we are actually a sinner, so we never humble ourselves to a point where we are repentant.

I had my “turning” day though, and when that day came…well, there just hasn’t been anything ever like it before in my life!  (Obviously!)   There are some who call this turning day the day of salvation and others have told me that they had a dramatic conversion, or finally “saw the Light”,  while others refer to this special time as their spiritual rebirth.  Whatever one chooses to call it, being truly repentant and acknowledging that I was a sinner who needed forgiveness left me with a new heart and a changed life!

Being a Christian is a way of life.  Not a life of perfection, or standing in judgment of others,  but a life with a new heart.  Jonathan Edwards said that this is real or true Christianity.  He believed that a Christian’s life must be marked by a change in character AND action to be real.

My heart  was forever changed when I became a Christian 11 years ago and it was again changed one year ago when I knew that my Mom’s days were numbered.  If one good thing came from my Mom’s battle with cancer it was focus….For perhaps the first time in my life I was able to truly focus on what has mattered most of all along.  Trusting in God’s perfect will for ALL things, and loving, TRULY loving through my actions, those who mean the most to me. 

I miss my Mom every day.  I always will. Our separation is not for long, because I have that promise of seeing her again in heaven.  You see, my Mom had a “turning day” too!!!  So today I am choosing to celebrate changing lives…and the best change of all is TURNING IT AROUND to God.

MISSED BLESSINGS

Doing the right thing brings with it not only a sense of satisfaction, but blessings that just cannot have a price tag placed on them.

Let me back up a bit……

About 2 months ago I received a bill from the Oncology Center that had treated my Mom during her battle with cancer.  Mom had been placed in hospice care and since her insurance and Medicare were covering those costs, her last  chemo was not covered.  It seems that when insurance is paying for hospice care, which does not TREAT any disease or illness, it will NOT pay for chemo, which is considered a treatment to prolong your life.

My Mom was having chemo and radiation for pain management.  The cancer had spread up her spine and the tumor in her chest was growing and making her voice hoarse and breathing difficult.  We knew that it would not make a difference in her life expectancy.

Anyway, I was billed $4322.17 for that last chemo which I paid.  Never gave it another thought.

The following week I received a bill from the medical facility where we had placed my stepdad during my Mom's final 3 weeks of life.

Richard had been in poor health and bed ridden and because we wanted to have quality time with my Mom, we felt that we needed to move Richard from the home temporarily so that we could have those final weeks with Mom have to worry about caring for Richard.

We had paid for a full month, and Mom died at the end of Richard’s month.  However, since we decided to bring him back home 3 days after the funeral, we didn’t give the medical facility a 2 week notice, and therefore I was charged for a week that he wasn’t there and had to pay $1100. 

Again, I was okay with this.  Not much I could do about it.

Last month I was at the new Kroger shopping and when I got home I was looking over my receipt when I noticed that I had a $50 CREDIT for a “beer tap return.”  Well, I had not taken any beer tap back.  I don’t drink, and even if I did it would NOT be beer!!  I did however get some milk that was in a glass jar and I should have been charged a $2.00 deposit for that jar but I wasn’t...instead I was given a $50 credit in error.

So….I made 2 trips to the Kroger store that next week to see about paying the $52.00 that I actually owed.  None of the managers were available and the two clerks that I spoke with at the customer service desk looked at me like I was from Mars because I wanted to pay that money. I was told "just dont'worry about it." But I did worry about it.

I went back a third time and saw the store manager walking the store.  I was able to show him my receipt and tell him what had happened.  He was amazed that I would come back to pay that $52.00. He asked if he could keep my receipt to use as a training tool and said that it was hard to say how much money I had saved him.

And then he told me he was going to buy my groceries for me that day, and he did.  I had $142 worth of  groceries in my cart  that day!  I was so overwhelmed that I called my husband, crying, to tell him what happened.  I didn't deserve free groceries...I just wanted to do what was right.  What I was SUPPOSED to do.

When I got home I got the mail from the mail box and amid all the junk mail I found 2 envelopes .  One was from the oncology center that I had paid the $4322.17 to.  The check had been returned with a note saying “ There was a mistake, you do not owe this money.” I could not believe this!!!!

Then when I opened the second envelope, I once again found myself in tears as that envelope had a check from the medical care facility that my stepdad had been in with a note saying that I had been overcharged and they were refunding me the overpayment!  I had a check not for the $1100 I had paid but for $1600!  It seems that I had been charged a regualr rate rather than a respite care rate!!!!

Both of these checks were dated the day that I got my groceries and was undercharged $52.00.....Friday, January 13, 2012.

( I should have gone and bought a lottery ticket, huh?? LOL!!)

I share this for one reason……there have been many times when I got too much change back from a cashier, or had something in my grocery bags that I wasn’t charged for and I just thought that I was “lucky.”  I didn’t do what was right.  So how many blessings did I miss out on?  Too many!!!

For me, it was just enough to face that manager and let him know that I needed to pay that $52 back. It was enough to do what was right.  I can’t really put into words the emotions that flooded my being that afternoon.  It would have been all too easy to just forget about the mistake that was made on my receipt that day, but it would have jsut been another test that I failed.

I think that God puts lots of these "tests" in our paths and just sits back and waits to see what we are going to do.  I have failed Him so many times in the past, but what a wonderful feeling it was to know that this was once test that I passed 100%  How sad to think that I have missed out on many other blessings because I made the wrong choice or decided to be selfish rather than self-LESS.  I still wonder about those MISSED blessings!!!